A day full of ... hmmm...mood swing ? mind twisting ? ooorrr emotional madness? to be honest i'm not quite sure what type of day i had today.... one hour i'm overwhelmed with mind full of self-pity, self-criticizing and feelings of disappointment about everything that had happened in my life and also worrying about my blurred future, the thoughts was so real that makes me run into the toilet to let go off my feelings (crying , of course). Then, i found myself chit chatting and giggling with my colleagues. The next 2 hours after that i had my eyes sticked to the monitor with full concetration switching between work and internet. Then back again thinking of bad and depressing thoughts, missing my arwah Abah a lot and reminisced disputes i had with a 'best friend' and how much i hated what he has done to me but not to mention missing his present during the good old times despite my hatred towards him (however i still don't intend to contact him anymore.) And the cycle goes on and on until the end of the day, as i walk out from my office door the darkness of night surrounded me and suddenly FEAR creeping inside me....it's the sign of panic attack... while trying to contend my panic , i quickly went to Surau, thinking hard to find ways to avoid developing severe panic attack alone bcoz there's not many people working late at the office... my mind wanted to get help by calling someone who can understand my situation, however i ended up calling no one as not many person i knew may understand what i am dealing with.... they sometimes can even makes things worst for me (read: in my opinion people in Malaysia are still not well educated on how to deal with people having panic attacks)....i've tried techniques i've read to reduce panic attack ...yeahh....relaxation techniques and deep breathing...but failed the feeling kept coming back......I then felt confused and started to loose my reality every minutes.... as quick recovery and as a last resort.. i hesitantly popped into my mouth half of xanax 0.5mg.....as the feeling subsided... i safely arrived home with a guilt of taking Xanax because i've experienced how bad it is when you've become dependent with Xanax......
I think it's about time to make appoinment with Dr. Kasmini Kassim
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