Or some may refer it as manic depressive disorder (if i'm not mistaken la..)
Do i have it ? I don't know..
but i suspect i'm having it right now...
it's been quite a long while that i think i have it without any concrete diagnose from a psychiatrist..
it has go on about 5 months...
Why i thought so ?
In the morning
i will always felt sad as consequences of my active mind that always thought of sad and worrying things out of almost everything...!!!
even a tiny mini things i'm able to exaggerated until eventually became a sad and depressive thing (sometimes until i cried for real to help me to get rid of my thoughts)...
like today i have a stomachache and felt a little discomfort, starting from that point, my mind started to fear of having stomach internal bleeding similar with my father who have died from organ failure due to internal bleeding that originate from his stomach as effect from his brain tumor ...etc.etc mental illness...family,love etc..etc...being single...etc...etc..and the thoughts goes on and on...like Alice in Wonderland ..u know..
i'm unable to focus on work.... the most is ten minutes...then thinking for 20 minutes..then work again...then thinking again....
because of my work surroundings require most of my time in front pc (and yeahhh....i'm a programmer so i also do my thinking about work in front of pc).....nobody ever notice my problem, they thought i'm in the midst of solving my work related problem...(or may be i'm good at masking my sadness, hiding my feelings and swept away problems ??? Ouh ...and one of my fastest way to escape from my own depressive mind is to talk with my colleagues however work plus bosses prevent me to do so )
in the afternoon
my mind became more stabilize... have more focus on work.... sometimes too much focus until i cant' put my hand down from my keyboard...become more active compared to the morning...more OK and a bit joyful through the night
and lately...
the stressfulness have increase 3-6 piles as i approach next week...i have Mandarin exam, a trip to singapore and krabi (fyi, i have fear of height, flying, sometimes claustrophobia and fear of having panic attack ) and renew road-tax...with all of this i need Xanax badly but i'm unable to get new stocks ... try to called Dr. Kasmini a few times but cannot get her connected... try Dr Barathi but she's no longer at Apollo TTDI... and heyyyy.... we only have 65 psychiatrist in Malaysia..!!
and one more crucial facts i noticed...
if i sleep only 2-3 hours...the whole day i'll be sleepy at office BUT i'm more relax with less thinking and worrisome in comparison with having slept for 6-7 hours....why is that so?
Do i have Bipolar Disorder ? Just wondering or maybe worrying......
And i cried reading this article today, it remind me that i'm one of 'it' :(
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