Pengalaman bersalin di PPUM - Jun 2020

Alhamdulillah...syukur pada Allah 1 jun 2020 selamat melahirkan di PPUM secara pembedahan czer sebab baby songsang, precious pregnancy (baby ivf & dah 3 kali gugur sebelum ni) , high bp dan ada diabetes.... Almaklum umur dah 40 an ni macam2 la penyakit dah hinggap....

Mula2 masa awal2 checkup doc cakap boleh induce jee masa 37 weeks walaupun ada high bp dan diabetes.......tp bila scan masa 35 weeks baby songsang terus doc tukar plan  jadi czer.....huhu......dan kesudahannya tukar lagi plan jadi emergency czer pada 35 weeks 5 days sebab baby dah kurang gerak dan dah tak berapa membesar sangat dalam perut......banyak sangat kan tukar plan..tapi takpe la kite kena paham bagi doctor yg penting keselamatan ibu dan anak tak kesahlaaa apa cara bersalin sekalipun....

Ok meh kat bawah ni  cerita serba sedikit  time line sepanjang checkup dan bersalin di PPUM

13 weeks : Dr. Adilah ...my doc IVF-FET dah suruh sambung followup dengan hospital yg  ingin bersalin....ku pilih PPUM sebab sedar diri umur dah 41 pastu ada hypertension dengan diabetes yang dikira sebagai high risk pregnancy ...jadi nak selamat pilih hospital goverment atau semi goverment. Booking fee : RM 1000

14 weeks :Klinik mata PPUM....sebabkan ada diabetes kena la check mata juga....RM 15

14-35 weeks : Checkup antenatal dilakukan pada setiap hari Khamis ....manakala checkup dengan Dietician dan pakar Endokrin (sebab masalah diabetes) pada setiap hari Jumaat.... Frekuensi checkup ada yg 3 minggu sekali ada yang 2 minggu sekali.... Setiap kali chekup kena bayar RM 15-20. Bagi kos ubat-ubatan darah tinggi  dan kencing manis termasuklah injection insulin untuk 3 bulan tak melebihi RM100 .

Tempat menunggu klinik mata...ramai orang sebab masa ni belum time covid 19

Time Covid-19 tempat menunggu di klinik antenatal tak ramai orang....sebab husband dah tak dibenarkan teman.

21 weeks : detail fetal scan...untuk check vital organ baby...alhamdulillah semua ok....berat baby pon ok masa ni....kos scan RM20

26 weeks : detail fetal heart scan...untuk scan jantung baby ...alhamdulillah jantung baby ok .... Cuma masa ni kedudukan baby dalam perut melintang.....kos scan RM 20

33 weeks : scan kedudukan  dan pembesaran baby...kepala di bawah sudah tp berat baby underweight....doctor nak closely monitor pembesaran baby... Kos scan RM 20

35 weeks 1 day : followup scan..kedudukan baby songsang pulak dah....dan masih underweight....high blood pressure 160/100....tinggi tu weiii....terus masuk ward on my birthday....huhu..dalam wad doctor nak monitor blood pressure , buat ctg , check paras gula dan injection dexa untuk prepare baby just in case terkeluar awal ..doctor plan katanya 36 weeks 1 day untuk buat pembedahan czer..

35 weeks 5 days : pagi pukul 10 ...tak rasa baby gerak....bgtau doctor.....dan pukul 11 doctor decide emegency czer hari tu juga.... Pukul 6.02 petang lahir my baby boy

Selepas lahir 6 hari kena tahan wad...kena adjust ubat darah tinggi dan monitor paras gula...baby pun ada jaundice...

Baby tengah buat fototerapi sebab kuning....patutnya tak boleh selimutkan baby masa fototerapi...tp maknya kesiankan anak yg kesejukkan terus bg selimut....huhu...tp bila doc and nurse datang cepat2 buang selimut tu...

Total kos untuk czer dan duduk ward 11 hari dalam RM3100....setelah tolak booking fee saya bayar balance RM2100.

Kalau ikutkan bill operation czer tu kosnya dalam RM500 saja... Yang mahalnya kos saya duduk wad 11 hari tu...iaitu 5 hari sebelum beranak...dan 6 hari selepas beranak.....pad maternity pon kena bayar tau.....so u ols kalau nak branak kat PPUM standby la pad sendiri ye.....



Walaupun makanan kat PPUM tak berapa nak sedap...sayur yang dihidangkan tak timun , kobis , tak kobis , timun aja.....huhuhu....mungkin time tu ramai tukang masak cuti raya kot...tak pon sebab covid ?? (cubaan untuk husnuzon di sini..)...

Kelihatan sayur timun masak style apa pun saya tak tau ni....naseb la saya ni spesis tak cerewet makan....memang abes licin walaupun x sedap...

Overall saya puas hati dengan doctor2 di PPUM ....kepakaran mereka saya respek dan kagum..sangat profesional...cuma selepas melahirkan agak stress sebab susu tak ada...jenuh pam, urut..setitik pon tak keluar.....bertambah stress bila nurse2 di PPUM pro breastfeeding suka paksa2 nak breastfeed.....memang jadi psycho kejap la jadinya...huhu



Just sharing....

Klinik Kesihatan KKM...ada yang buka sampai 9 malam

Jarang sebenarnya aku pi klinik kesihatan KKM..... bukan tak suka ke apa.....tapi mungkin sebab klinik swasta lah paling dekat dengan rumah....so memang ke situ je la.....

Last aku pi klinik kesihatan Kelana Jaya tahun 2013...sebab nak kawin punye pasal.....kena la buat ujian HIV......my impression is actually positif....almaklumla.   bayar seringgit je....
walaupun ada sedikkit masalah masa nak dapt result hiv tu....overall i'm satisfied with their service.....

Lepas tu ku dah tak pi dah klinik kesihatan.....layan klinik panel company jaaa....free pon free...hehe....

Tapi bila umur dah meningkat ni dan dah bermacam2 pulak penyakit yang timbul perlukan simpanan ubat yg berbulan2 .....ku rasa macam leceh la pulak nak asik mintak GL dari HR....rasa macam nak try gomen spital la kan....

tapi kalau pekerja swasta nak masuk spital gomen....prosedur nak dapat harga murah kita kena la mintak referal letter dari klinik kesihatan kkm...

yang tak bestnya cuti aku tinggal 2 hari je lagi ok....huhu...sapa suro kuat berjalan....kan dah cuti tinggai sikit....padan muka aku.....

maka aku mengugella klinik kesihatan yang bukak waktu malamm......jackpot...!!!! ada okayy....dekat dengan opis aku plak tu.....

maka pada petang jumaat yang mulia lepas kerja berdesuuup aku gi klinik kesihatan sungai buloh.....aku sampai sana dalam pukul 7 malam...
tak ramai ok ...ada la dalam 10-15 pesakit....giliran aku pon cuma 2 orang sebelum ku.....bahagiaa.....selepas bayar singgit...semua setel dalam masa setengah jam......weee.......

Alhamdulillah...thanks gomen bukak klinik kesihatan after opis hour.....sangat memudahkan untuk orang macam aku......walaupun doktor yang ku jumpa tu macam scary.....tapi matlamat nak dapat referal leetter pegi spital gomen tercapai juga......

seperti biasa last part of my entri is layan piccass...

macam tak percaya je kan kosong

tengah tunggu giliran nak masuk bilik doc a.k.a mo

hasil gugel aku terjumpa senarai klinik kesihatan di selangor yang buka sampai 9 malam, untuk pengetahuan korang juga ada klinik kesihatan di KL yg buka pada waktu malam juga ...contoh di Titiwangsa..  

Just sharing....

Stress & multivitamin

Stress dan kehidupan orang  bekerja memang tak dapat di pisahkan.
Tengah menaip entry ni pon stress gila babi dengan auto correct handphone yang sangat nuisance. Grrrr!!! Lain yang ditaip lain yang keluar.

Kalo stress, aku akan mula la sakit kepala, sakit  bahu dan sakit beakang.
Kalo stress tu berlarutan berminggu-minggu, mula la nak kena anxiety attack
dan cepat rasa takut a.k.a panick.

 Seriously speaking bila anxiety tu berlarutan banyak benda yang nak dibuat  jadi terbantut........  it's sooooo disabling kalo kena anxiety disorder ni haishaish.

Kalau dah sampai tahap gini selalunya aku gi jumpa doctor mintak oobat lah..

Tapi kan sejak hampir setahun aku rajin mengamalkan makan multivitamin sebiji sehari, walaupun stress yang berpanjangan melanda, so far anxiety attack berkurangan. Ada tu ada, tapi tak teruk, masih boleh di kawal tanpa perlu makan ubat doctor, alhamdulillah.

Mungkin naturally badan aku ni sebenarnya kekurangan vitamin B tanpa aku sedar. Maka dengan mengambil  multivitamin secara tak langsung menambahkan kandungan vitamin B dalam badan.

Banyak artikel yang aku baca pun  ada menulis tentang pentingnya vitamin B untuk  kesihatan otak  dan saraf. Bila otak dan saraf kita  berfungsi dengan sihat secara tak langsung badan kita dapat handle stress dengan baik. Inshallah.

Just sharing...

kena marah dengan doktor

Masuk bulan ni...dah tiga bulan aku kena makan setengah bijik ubat darah tinggi berjenama Hyzaar... stelah doktor panelku cakap aku ada mild high blood pressure...

bacaan darahku masa dia mula suruh makan ubat adalah 140/100.... bacaan bawah tu yang membimbangkan....

tapi yang aku peliknye bila aku check kat rumah guna digital high bood pessure monitor , normal pilak bacaannya.... around 130/85...

takpe la ...malas nak gado dengan doktor aku follow je la nasihatnya makan ubat hyzaar tu....setengah bijik sehari je pon.... no harmm....

dan bermula dari itu, setiap sebulan aku kena pergi jumpa doktor tu untuk checkup serta follow up bacaan tekanan darah & dapatkan stok ubat hyzaar untuk sebulan....

dah 2 kali follow up....stok ubatku untuk bulan tu messstiiii tak pernah habes ...huhuhu....bacaan ada skit kurang.....tapi tang atas jeerr....125/95..... tang bawah masih tinggi......haii la...
 kali ni ...akibat geram dengan ketidakdisplin aku makan ubat......doktor sound direct tepek punya....

doktor yang biasanya bercakap nada lembut dengan aku ... kali ni dah tukar frekuensi tinggi...naseb baik tak pecah tingkap tu......uhuuks...

" this is not good u know....u should consume the medicine regularly as told...then it will take effect....if like this no point of having the medicine, please change you attitude ....noww...!!!"

tanjat  hokkeeyy...!!!!


Just sharing....

Antibiotik...

Selalunya nya kalau Dr Zy rasa takde keperluan untuk dirinya ketika sakit untuk makan antibiotik...
Dr. Zy akan main campak-campak je antibiotik dalam tong sampah...
sudah berpuluh-puluh paket antibiotik yg dah Dr Zy dermakan pada Alam Flora ..dari yang antibiotik tahap rendah hingga ke tahap gaban
waima sejibik pon Dr Zy tak telan...
alasannya...nak bagi antibodi dlm badan naturally lawan bakteria dan virus dgn sendirinya....huhuu
logik keer?? apa pendapat para doktor yang betol2 pakar sekalian? boleh pakai ke pendapatr Dr Zy yang memandai-mandai nak jadik doktor  ni..?

Dan mungkin padahnya tindakan Dr Zy yg suka membuang antibiotik ni  timbul bila baru2 ni buat blood test...(2 kali test hookayyy).mnunjukkan badan Cik Zy (sudah kembali jadi org biasa....bukan doktor jadian dah)...sedang melawan infeksi walaupun Cik Zy x de simtom2 infeksi seperti demam, batuk dan selsema....means that my white blood cell count tinggi ....
maka Cik Zy pon ceritalah tabiat buruk Cik Zy ni kat doktor sebenar....dia hanya geleng kepala tanda tak puas hati dgn tindakan Cik Zy sbb katanya antibiotik diberi untuk tolong badan kita fight bakteria..... dan doktor advise Cik Zy pi mkn antibiotik dgn segera walaupun x demam ke hapa...cuma ada sakit2 pala & resdung sikit ja......tapi kan... idak nyer laaa pon Cik Zy ikut nasihat doktor yang sebenar itu....huhuuhuu.....

setelah 4 bulan berlalu...kali ni memang betul2 Cik Zy sakit...doktor suruh la makan Augmentin 625mg....general antibiotik paling kuat  dlm pasaran...selama 5 hari.....
kali ni Cik Zy tobatlah tak mo buang dah antibiotik dalam tong....Cik Zy buang dlm perut Cik Zy je.....gigih ok nk perabeskan antibiotik....

dah 3 hari...alhamdulillah ada kurang sikit sakit...:)..tapi batuk tak mo ilang2 lg....adehh


Just sharing....

Me and Isotonic Drink

I don't know if this thing that i'm having lately is alarming signal from my body telling me that something was wrong inside....or is it only because i am just plain tired...
Lately, especially after our short Raya trip to Melaka, Muar and JB,in just 3 days... every morning i felt dehydrated, dizzy, thirsty, tired and fatigue...
I will drink isotonic drink 100 plus or gatorade to replenish my extreme thirst....luckily it works wonders.....but the effect will only be felt after lunch hour not immediately (oh how i wish the drink took immediate effect on me)... or is it this thing that i'm feeling is because i didn't take my medication as instructed....? Cause since Raya i didn't even swallow any single pillss.....Why Zy why.. ?  Because the Raya food isss sooooo delicous...heheheh...totally forgot the bitter taste of the pillsss....




Just sharing....

Cerita Ahad lepas...

Alkisah pada hari Ahad lepas bersamaan 5 june 2011..

Ada 2 undangan kenduri satu di rawang dan satu di gombak...

Aku pergi ber2 saja dgn emak..

Ntah apa dari pagi Ahad tu anxiety mula menyerang ..

Rasa takut je nak drive ke highway Rawang tu..

Sebab saya memang tak brapa suke drrive di highway..especially yg banyak kereta laju-laju

lebih2 lagi apabila hanya ditemani emak yg mmg tak pndai drive dan x punye kuat semangat

Tapi perasaan takut ku biarkan saja...

sebab agak kalut menguruskan hal-hal sampingan sebelum meninggalkan rumah...

sehingga lupa nak hilangkan rasa & pemikiran takut tu dulu sebelum memulakan perjalanan...

bile aku mula drive perasaan takut mula bertambah...

bila masuk highway lagi la bertambah takut...

aku cadang mahu berhenti di salah satu RnR untuk rehatkn diri dan cuba hilangkan rasa takut guna self therapy..

tapi malangnya tak jumpa2 1 RnR pon...

aku bertambah stress bila tak jumpe RnR...

apabila stress menggunung dan perasaan takut melangit.... aku mula panik...

jantung brdegup laju, badan menggigil, tgn berpeluh dan mula hilang fokus..

kereta yg ku drive makin ketepi masuk ke lorong kecemasan dan aku drive agak perlahan dr biase..

bila trjadinya panik lebih2 lagi dlm keadaan yg membahayakan nyawa... aku harus mncari jln pntas utuk kurangkan panik attack...

lantas ku telan xanax 0.25mg begitu saja...

prlahan 2 aku kmbali tenang dan berani ku dtg kembali....

dengan berdesuupnya aku bawak kereta kerana mahu cepat sampai ke destinasi...

Just sharing....

Lexapro and Me...

Couples of day before 22 April 2011….

I loathed everytime I need to take my half pills of Lexapro. This is my 2^nd round of Lexapro after i stopped taken it 2 years ago. Last time the effect was great…but this time was a terribly horrible experience…. This things really really super charged my mind and sometimes it shows in form of behavior until I have headache especially in the morning and before bed…. Everyday I wonder why the pills doesn’t work like last time and really can’t wait for my appointment with Dr. Kasmini to ask her why..….tick tock tick tock..

22 April 2011…

I came 30 minutes late for the appointment thanks to pendrive’s with password protection features that took my 30 minutes to figure out what’s the password (techy but not ssooo user friendly)..

Luckily the doc was ok with my lateness, but as punishment I need to wait for another 1 hour before I was called to see her…huhu….its ok for me, I loved waiting..

So the first thing I told her was the super charge of ‘high’ behaviour that I was experiencing when I took Lexapro.. (luckily I’m an introvert type of person, just keep my super charge minds and feelings to myself until I have very bad headache…what if im an extrovert…? can’t imagined what will be during that critical time, maybe i will scold everybody ? or doing crazy things never before in my life ? huhuuu) ..the doc found it really weird because Lexapro supposed to make me relaxed not high, then she started to read my medical history report with a confused look on her face……

AHAAA…the doc shouted when she found what she wanted… she said this supercharged experience due to me not taking my hormone pill together with Lexapro like last time….and she thinks may be I will not need Lexapro at all and just the hormone pills…and said anxiousness is cause by this hormone imbalance in my body…huhu…

However, she still ask me to continue with half Lexapro every other day and insist me to take Yasmin too, and see how I will response with these pills together until the next appointment on 24 May 2011

PS: However since that day I only take my Yasmin….no Lexapro at all…..so far I’m doing great…hehe

Just sharing....

My 2nd appointment

10 December 2010 - pukul 8:30 pagi.

Saya ada follow-up appointment dengan Dr. Kasmini (psychiatrist di Damansara Specialis Hospital)

Dr. mahu tahu perkembangan saya selama sebulan mengambil Lexapro setengah biji setiap hari....

REALITInya saya tak habis ubat yang dr. bagi tu....

Saya rasa saya hanya makan dalam 10-12 kali je dalam sebulan ubat tu....

Saya tak tahan side-effect dia....

Makin sakit kepala....

Cepat cirit-birit (saya suka side effect yang ni sebab bleh senang nak kurus huhuhu)..

Cepat loya...

Banyak angin...

Senang sakit perut....

Kadang-kadang rasa 'high' macam amek ecstasy...

Anxiety bertambah teruk... tapi kadang kadang je

(mungkin sbb nak betulkan semula chemical imbalance dalam otak saya yang tak berapa nak betul)

Kebetulan pulak pada bulan yang sama saya makan Yasmin sejenis pil hormon....

SO ...bila makan serentak ubat Yasmin dan Lexapro tu.....

loya teruk sangat macam rasa kena morning sickness...!! ...huhu...agaknya la cenggitu kowt rasa morning sickness...

TAPIKAN....saya cerita kat Dr. tu saya rajin makan LExapro dan dah berjaya habiskan stock Lexapro yang Dr. bagi....

Huhuhuuh....pandai rupanya Cik Zy ni berlakon ye....

Semua side-effect yang saya rasa tu saya cerita kat Dr...

Dan Dr. kata itu adalah normal...

Pastu di akhir sesi Dr. prescribe untuk ambil Lexapro every other day..atau in plain BM is selang sehari.....

dan Xanax jika perlu semasa anxiety attack...

Next appointment ialah pada 21 January 2011 pkul 8:30 pagi

DAN TAPI ...DAN TAPI.....TAPIKANNNN...

sekarang ni dah 31 December 2010...

Satu biji Lexapro pon saya tak telan sejak 2nd appointment hari tu.....

muehehehehhehehehehhe.........

Dasat tak saya ni....

Aduyai....

Oleh itu saya nak umumkan kat korang salah satu resolusi saya pada tahun baru 2011, ialah:

Start makan setengah biji Lexapro untuk EOD (every other day)

Just sharing....

MC..

Semalam sakit kepala yang teruk...sampai kebas-kebas muka....

Anxiety kembali high....otak dah pikir yang bukan-bukan...

cepat cepat check bp guna digital blood pressure monitor yang aku hadiahkan kat arwah abah dulu...

BP reading 158/105.... sungguh tinggi...

aku dah gelabah.....takut.... i even cried...nak mengadu tp tak tau kat sapa...

tak pernah aku tengok bacaan setinggi ni...

last -last aku terlena sendiri...

bangun-bangun keesokan paginya...sakit kepala tak hilang lagi...

tapi bp reading dah kembali ok....

aku decide nak mc hari ni...

gi jumpe doc kat klinik utama....

doc check bp....tinggi lagi....150/100 ..

aku dah riso.... doc kata mungkin badan u tengah sesuai kan diri dengan lexapro....

dan doc cuma bagi painkiller saja.... no medicine for my high bp....

luckily he gave me a day mc....

sigh......

Just sharing....

fizikal vs mental

dua perkara yang berbeza tapi sangat berkait rapat antara satu sama lain..

kalau mental tak kuat....badan senang sakit contohnya sakit kepala , sakit sendi....

kalau badan asyik sakit-sakit...lama kelamaan mental akan mula tergugat...

kes aku pulak....

these couple of years aku try menguatkan mental aku melawan anxiety disorder...

aku redah je walaupun sebenarnya aku berada dalam ketakutan pada masa itu...

aku ignore ...aku buat dunno...

dan aku berjaya kurangkan bilangan panic attack yang selalu aku alami...

tapi percubaan aku melawan secara psikologi, takes a toll on my physical well being...

aku perasan, aku makin kerap sakit kepala, aku makin kerap sakit sendi...

walaupun aku ada berjumpa physician mengadu hal sakit fizikalku...

tp jawapannya tak memuaskan hatiku...

so...aku amek keputusan untuk berjumpa psychiatrist...

dan seperti jangkaanku....

psychiatrist kata your anxiety disorder have shown its physical manifestation on your body...

thats why awak kerap rasa sakit....

dan dari saat inilah bermula kembali era lexapro dalam hidupku...

tapi kali ini banyak sgt side effect nya...

loya, cirit birit dan sakit kepala yg makin menjadi-jadi..

cepatla tiba next appoinment...

Just sharing....

Sakit perut aja...

Dah kena start makan ubat ni asek sakit perut aja.....

Angin puting beliung beranak pinak dalam perut ni......

Perut jadik sungguh sensitif

:(

Loya sungguh loya...

Bila terlampau banyak sangat angin kus kus ...

Badan ni pon rasa lemah gemalai macam ditiup angin jer..

Rasa macam orang mabuk minum todi...

Kalau dapat muntah confirm lega...

Tapi malangnya saya ni tak reti muntah...

Terpaksa la tahan loya ni sampai hilang...

Agak azab la jugak...

:(:(

Tak sabar nak ngadu kat doktor...

10 Disember ni ada 2nd appointment...

the same day my sis nikah..

appointment saya pukul 8:30 pagi... huhu...haruskah begitu...?

tak ape la....demi kesihatan ku...

Just sharing....

something funny...

it's no laughing matter....not intended to make anyone to laugh out loud...

but it is something funny to me..... a kind of weird too...

and the O&G that i saw thought this way too...

she laughed when i told her ...but my psychiatrist didn't laughed at all....

i think many women who takes hormone pills or so called birth control pills having difficulties to maintain their weight because the weight will gain slightly ...

but for me...my weight will reduce about 5kg if i take the pills to regulate my period for more than 3 months...

that's a lot of kgs you know & as easy as that...

no need slimming sanctuary, london weight management, marie france bodyline etc ...etc...just the pills...

but now it has been more than a year that i've stopped taking the pills.... and my weight have gained back to the time before the pills....

haha......and its hard to reduce to 5 kg even i've controlled my eating habits...

when i told this problem to my O&G ...she laughed and make a weird look at me....

she said 'so many people have gained weight by taking these pills but you are losing your weights...?'...she unbelievably asked me back my question to her ....

but when i told my psychiatrist......she instantly identified water retention as the culprit and explained; what i've lost is not fat but water that had retain in my body for so long which caused by my hormone imbalance....

mmmm......now i'm considering taking back the pills......

Just sharing....

Krabi - layan blues sorang2

Hari ke-2 di Krabi sepatutnye kami pergi 4 islands hopping...

aku sungguh excited sebab ia antara aktiviti-aktiviti yang dinanti-nantikan..

tapi ntah macam mane beberapa minit sebelum kami naik bot....

perut aku rasa semacam....

bile ku pandang ke arah bot yg berada di tepi pantai...

makin menjadi-jadi perutku kembung ....rase seram sejuk juga ada....

bile ku pandang lagi ke arah pantai dan ku lihat laut yg terbentang meluas....

mood aku dengan tak semena-mena berubah jadi down...

perasaan takut mula muncul....

bila ku lihat ke arah wajah2 riang kawan2 seangkatan yg bakal menaiki bot bersama2....

ku tertanye...gembiranye mereka nak naik bot....tapi kenapa aku tetibe rasa takut ni ?

tiada seorang pon dari mereka2 ni tau aku ada anxiety disorder...

bolehkah mereka mententeramkan aku jika aku terkena panic attack di dalam bot ?

Tapi aku sendiri tak yakin dengan diriku sendiri....

ku teringat memori di Pulau Perhentian.....aku sungguh gembira menaiki bot ketika itu....

tapi kenapa kali ni rasa semacam? Adalah ubat Xanax yg membuatkan perasaan takutku untuk menaiki bot tiba-tiba muncul...? I am so confused ...so disoriented...

Beberapa langkah sebelum masuk ke dalam bot...

tetibe langit mendung,angin bertiup kencang dan ombak semakin kuat...

ahhhh sudah....ni tak boleh jadi... aku kene buat keputusan sekarang jugak....

nak ikut island hopping atau tinggal seorang kat AoNang.....

Angin makin kuat dan hujan turun rintik2....bot kulihat terhuyung-hayang dipukul ombak..

Kakiku terhenti.... keputusan telah diambil....

aku tak akan menaiki bot.....biarlah aku tinggal seorang kat AoNang layan blues sorang2....

Aku lambaikan tangan pada mereka....

Aku balik ke bilik hotel sorang2....

Tidak lama selepas itu...

Ku lihat hujan makin reda...

langit makin cerah....

aku terbayang alangkah indahnya dapat snorkelling bersama ikan2 di waktu ini...

tp akibat ketakutan aku yg tetibe menjelma....pengalaman ini terpaksa ku lepaskan....

jauh sudut hati ku rasa sungguh marah dgn diri sendiri.......penakut sungguh kamu ini....

fear of flying sudah kamu conquer....tp muncul pula fobia baru...fobia naik boat pulak kah ?

Aduyai....ruginya kamu...

Untuk melegakan rasa resah dihati...dan untuk menghilangkan rasa sungguh rugi tak mengikuti island hopping....

aku pergi berenang di swimming resort sebelah....

aku pergi berjalan2 di tepi pantai AoNang...

aku mandi di pantai sorang2.....

Dan ini hasil gambar yg ku tangkap semasa melayan blues sorang2.....

Just sharing....

Xanax Withdrawal

Yeah ...its time to conquer the Xanax withdrawal symptoms yet again..

after 5 tabs of 0.5 mg and 2 tabs of 0.25 mg in between 7 days to help me through my 'holidays' anxieties ...

It was with prescription but not by psychiatrist, before i took the flight to Singapore i went to a family clinic nearby my house which is the second place i would go to sought for help in case if i'm unable to see a psychiatrist. I just explained the problem and the doctor after revising my previous visits with not much hesitation prescribed me 10 tabs of 0.5 mg..

Relatively the dosage I've taken is not too high however from my previous experience it's always been a tough time to deal with the withdrawal symptoms both physically and mentally. Usually, during this period of time i'm easily agitated,hypersensitive, depressed, having depersonalization feeling and became more panicky than Xanax-free period. I also experience hot/cold flashes, tingling, deep burning pain inside abdomen and palpitations.

The worst panic attacks i've ever dealt with was when i unintentionally abruptly stopped Xanax ...it was about 4-5 years ago which i've never heard of Xanax withdrawal symptoms at that point of time (and i thought i was in full of stress and having a rebound which was actually not..). The feeling of severe panic was like something has controlled and clouded my mind with full of fear ...and i've lost control of it . My whole body and organs inside abdomen felt like deep burning wanting to burst....Through this experience, I have learned my lesson not to stopped the medication abruptly...take a lower dose & frequency instead for few more days...

Now i'm more prepared ...more awareness....

if you'are interested to know further about Xanax withdrawal you can read THIS

Just sharing....

Singapore - JB Part 1

Baru 3 jam lepas sampai di rumah selepas bercanda di Singapore & JB.

dari JB tumpang kete Shila & Budin...pastu singgah sat makan sup kat Doraisamy..

fuh fenat & melecet kaki akibat expedisi amazing race kat singapore tak abes lagi ni, tp excited bebenor nak upload gambor kat blog ni...

upload terbalik pulak tu tak ikut time arrangement

kat tangga ni pekerja2 tol sedang menunggu kutipan....

ni tol hentian tol pertama...ada 7 tol ok....

pengantin....syarifah nurulhuda....so shweeeetttt..

ni 'kugiran' berbulu toncet in action...loved they play the traditional song..

kat majlis kawen anak ami mahmud & umi fadzlun @ pasir ris ....

ni 'kugiran' marhaban yg diimport dari arab ...(huh... yeke dr Arab...memandai je kamu ni)

Kami naik harimau utk pergi jumpa singa..

sempat menyeludup flight safety guide masuk dlm beg tuu..

muka nmpak macam cool je kan...tp dlm hati Tuhan je tau...mgkin Xanax dah take effect time tu...tp sy mkn sikit je...suku biji....

Just sharing....

Bipolar Disorder ?

Or some may refer it as manic depressive disorder (if i'm not mistaken la..)

Do i have it ? I don't know..

but i suspect i'm having it right now...

it's been quite a long while that i think i have it without any concrete diagnose from a psychiatrist..

it has go on about 5 months...

Why i thought so ?

In the morning

i will always felt sad as consequences of my active mind that always thought of sad and worrying things out of almost everything...!!!

even a tiny mini things i'm able to exaggerated until eventually became a sad and depressive thing (sometimes until i cried for real to help me to get rid of my thoughts)...

like today i have a stomachache and felt a little discomfort, starting from that point, my mind started to fear of having stomach internal bleeding similar with my father who have died from organ failure due to internal bleeding that originate from his stomach as effect from his brain tumor ...etc.etc mental illness...family,love etc..etc...being single...etc...etc..and the thoughts goes on and on...like Alice in Wonderland ..u know..

i'm unable to focus on work.... the most is ten minutes...then thinking for 20 minutes..then work again...then thinking again....

because of my work surroundings require most of my time in front pc (and yeahhh....i'm a programmer so i also do my thinking about work in front of pc).....nobody ever notice my problem, they thought i'm in the midst of solving my work related problem...(or may be i'm good at masking my sadness, hiding my feelings and swept away problems ??? Ouh ...and one of my fastest way to escape from my own depressive mind is to talk with my colleagues however work plus bosses prevent me to do so )

in the afternoon

my mind became more stabilize... have more focus on work.... sometimes too much focus until i cant' put my hand down from my keyboard...become more active compared to the morning...more OK and a bit joyful through the night

and lately...

the stressfulness have increase 3-6 piles as i approach next week...i have Mandarin exam, a trip to singapore and krabi (fyi, i have fear of height, flying, sometimes claustrophobia and fear of having panic attack ) and renew road-tax...with all of this i need Xanax badly but i'm unable to get new stocks ... try to called Dr. Kasmini a few times but cannot get her connected... try Dr Barathi but she's no longer at Apollo TTDI... and heyyyy.... we only have 65 psychiatrist in Malaysia..!!

and one more crucial facts i noticed...

if i sleep only 2-3 hours...the whole day i'll be sleepy at office BUT i'm more relax with less thinking and worrisome in comparison with having slept for 6-7 hours....why is that so?

Do i have Bipolar Disorder ? Just wondering or maybe worrying......

And i cried reading this article today, it remind me that i'm one of 'it' :(

Just sharing....

Celebration of Love Part 2

Love is crazy or crazy in love ? Is it true that love makes people crazy ? What causes this temporary insanity when human falls in love? Why do people act differently than they usually does when falling in love ? Wonder why when people are romantically in love, they can't stop thinking about their love one?

A study have shown that when people in love, the level of serotonin decrease to the level similar of people having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD) , depression or anxiety; which causes uncontrollable and repetitive thoughts as well as actions. The study also revealed that when people in love, the parts of the brain which are overactive are the same area as people who experience depression. Another interesting fact discovered by the study is that people with low presence of serotonin in the brain are more susceptible to fall in love and engage in sexual activity ! Really interesting fact indeed !! For more information please go to http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro01/web2/Hoegler.html

Having read the study discoveries, i traveled back to the time when i had my first panic attack. Yeah...ironically the first panic attack was when my first love relationship with a man was still in early stage, in other words falling in love for the first time. This is when i experienced my own level of anxiety to its highest, a mixed up of overwhelming fear and excitement of not knowing what to expect in a love relationship. Before this, I've always had difficulties and uncomfortable feelings such as being so shy when I'm around with my male friends; therefore it is even harder for me to develop a love relationship with a man. However with the help of Xanax prescribed by my psychiatrist has helped me to go through with my fear, but later on i regret in taking Xanax as i became dependent with the medicine for quite a long time.

And readers...i found the following article very informative which related to today's entry
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http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

The science of love

When do you know if you fancy someone? What does love do to your brain chemicals, and is falling in love just nature's way to keep our species alive?

We call it love. It feels like love. But the most exhilarating of all human emotions is probably nature’s beautiful way of keeping the human species alive and reproducing.

With an irresistible cocktail of chemicals, our brain entices us to fall in love. We believe we’re choosing a partner. But we may merely be the happy victims of nature’s lovely plan.

It’s not what you say...

Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone.

Research has shown this has little to do with what is said, rather

• 55% is through body language

• 38% is the tone and speed of their voice

• Only 7% is through what they say

The 3 stages of love

Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the States has proposed 3 stages of love – lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage might be driven by different hormones and chemicals.

Stage 1: Lust

This is the first stage of love and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen – in both men and women.

Stage 2: Attraction This is the amazing time when you are truly love-struck and can think of little else. Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this stage; adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. Adrenaline The initial stages of falling for someone activates your stress response, increasing your blood levels of adrenalin and cortisol. This has the charming effect that when you unexpectedly bump into your new love, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry.

Dopamine Helen Fisher asked newly ‘love struck’ couples to have their brains examined and discovered they have high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! Fisher suggests “couples often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship” .

Serotonin

And finally, serotonin. One of love's most important chemicals that may explain why when you’re falling in love, your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts.

Does love change the way you think?
A landmark experiment in Pisa, Italy showed that early love (the attraction phase) really changes the way you think.

Dr Donatella Marazziti, a psychiatrist at the University of Pisa advertised for twenty couples who'd been madly in love for less than six months. She wanted to see if the brain mechanisms that cause you to constantly think about your lover, were related to the brain mechanisms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. By analysing blood samples from the lovers, Dr Marazitti discovered that serotonin levels of new lovers were equivalent to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

Love needs to be blind

Newly smitten lovers often idealise their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws says Ellen Berscheid, a leading researcher on the psychology of love.

New couples also exalt the relationship itself. “It's very common to think they have a relationship that's closer and more special than anyone else's”. Psychologists think we need this rose-tinted view. It makes us want to stay together to enter the next stage of love – attachment.

Stage 3: Attachment

Attachment is the bond that keeps couples together long enough for them to have and raise children. Scientists think there might be two major hormones involved in this feeling of attachment; oxytocin and vasopressin.

Oxytocin - The cuddle hormone

Oxytocin is a powerful hormone released by men and women during orgasm.

It probably deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes.

Oxytocin also seems to help cement the strong bond between mum and baby and is released during childbirth. It is also responsible for a mum’s breast automatically releasing milk at the mere sight or sound of her young baby. Diane Witt, assistant professor of psychology from New York has showed that if you block the natural release of oxytocin in sheep and rats, they reject their own young. Conversely, injecting oxytocin into female rats who’ve never had sex, caused them to fawn over another female’s young, nuzzling the pups and protecting them as if they were their own.

Vasopressin
Vasopressin is another important hormone in the long-term commitment stage and is released after sex.

Vasopressin (also called anti-diuretic hormone) works with your kidneys to control thirst. Its potential role in long-term relationships was discovered when scientists looked at the prairie vole.

Prairie voles indulge in far more sex than is strictly necessary for the purposes of reproduction. They also – like humans - form fairly stable pair-bonds.

When male prairie voles were given a drug that suppresses the effect of vasopressin, the bond with their partner deteriorated immediately as they lost their devotion and failed to protect their partner from new suitors.

And finally … how to fall in love Find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.

York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying why people fall in love.

He asked his subjects to carry out the above 3 steps and found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married.

~~~~~ dZ & sELiPeE ~~~~

Dizzy & sleepy, these two words describe me at this very moment. I’m still at the office, waiting to go home at 6:00 pm. . Recently, there is not much work to do…. The update process has run smoothly without errors…. The figure in the new report doesn’t have major discrepancy to be rectified.

The dizziness and sleepiness I’m having now was contribute by my lack of sleep in this couple of days. I think one of the reasons I’m hardly to fall asleep at night because of not taking my Lexapro in this couple of days. Yeah… I’ve told you before I have problem taking medication on regular basis. The consequences of my lack of discipline cause me to become unfocused during morning working hour; it would subside gradually in the afternoon and in the evening and at night I would become more excitement in doing things such as watching TV unstoppable…series after series, reading the whole book at one night stand and enthusiastically surf the Internet page after page. I would only sleep at 3 or 4 am.

Supposedly my first one month box of Lexapro is to be finished consumes until early December and the psychiatrist asked me to make appointment with her when my medicine finished. But until now I haven’t finished it yet… I have another 7 pills left in my handbag …..
You are strictly advised not to follow my foot step……

While Waiting for 5 PM

Today at 5 PM my friend invited me to Medan Ikan Bakar Tanjung Harapan Klang, its one of popular eating place in Malaysia for those who love seafood. As usual i'm kind of anxious, may be due to the medication or may be it's just my normal anxious feeling.

Why am i feeling anxious ? It is because these couples of day, the pain i'm having due to my anxiety disorder are getting worst when i feel anxious; heartache, headache, backache, feeling all part of my body being pressure by an unknown force....The cause of my anxieties ? May be it's because Lexapro's side effect? my doc has warned me the side effect in the first few weeks in taking Lexapro, but the side effect is much more worse compare to the previous treatment. Or may be i'm just tired after a session of futsal (well i don't think so....it is soooo unlikely causing me the pain) . Or may be i'm so stressed out for my sister relationship with her so called fiance is shaking again? mmmm may be.... it can be a part of the contributor....Or maybe because of my so called 'best friend'....Oh no.. enough maybes......
I'm just scared that when i'm out with my friends i will experience this pain and worst come to worst panic attack.... InsyaAllah I'll be fine....'Remember Allah and your heart will be at peace'

While waiting for 5 PM i made use of my time reading blogs.......and today's post that i love is non other than Sis Zabrina's blog

Blog: ~ Life Storyteller : Motivational and Inspirational Stories for You and Me ~
Post: The Story of Ice Cubes and Candles- Motivational Story about Calming Oneself Down When Distress
Link: http://wisdomthruwords.blogspot.com/2009/11/story-of-ice-cubes-and-candles.html