Macamana Saya Boleh Jadi Seorang Gayat ?

Kalau nak tau saya asalnya bukan seorang yang gayat...
Dulu-dulu sebelum saya kenal penyakit Generalized Anxiety Disorder...
Saya Okay je pun ...kalau naik tangga tinggi-tinggi pastu pandang kat bawah...
Drive kat flyover ...dan yang sewaktu dengannya....

Tapi selepas beberapa episod anxiety dan panic attack yang bertubi-tubi datang selepas umo saya 21 tahum...
Sedikit-demi sedikit perasaan gayat itu muncul....
Saya cuma sedar yang saya gayat ni selepas saya pandai control episod panic attack saya tu...
(seksa ok nak control perasaan ni..... nak ajar otakku untuk control minda yang tengah kusut masai & celaru bila kena anxiety @ panic attack)
Yaa.... saya perasaan yang keadaan anxiety dan panic saya menjadi lebih spesific kepada sesetengah situasi...
itu yang dapat saya pelajari.. mungkin sebab dah lama penyakit ni saya ada... so saya dah dapat identified..
oleh itu dah banyak yang saya pelajari mengenai penyakit ini.... both through experience, readings and of course from my psychiatrist...

camana saya boleh gayat ni?
trauma terkena panic attack masih ada dalam diri saya...
cuma bila berada di tempat tinggi dan agak sempit jer yg menyebabkan saya terasa terlebih panic...rasa macam nak pengsan...itulah sekarang ni saya kalau boleh memang nak elak tempat-tempat begini....
sebabnya kan....bila kita panic tu kita tak sedar sangat perbuatan kita tu...kita cuma dihantui oleh rasa takut yg amat...
selalunya bila kena panic attack saya akan lari atau keluar dari tempat di mana saya sedang duduk untuk mencuba mencari tempat yg boleh buat saya lebih relax...
saya selalu terbayang bila saya ditempat tinggi dan tiba-tiba panic attack yang teruk menyerang saya takut saya 'ter'lari ke tempat yang tak sepatutnya saya lari cthnya tingkap ataupun jurang.... huhuuhuuuuu....itu lah dia kenapa saya tetibe boleh jadik gayattt.......

its so funny ...bila saya fikirkan balik (ketika otak saya berfungsi dengan baik laaa) camana laaa saya boleh terfikir begitu....
tapi nak buat camana...inilah keadaan yang patut saya terima...




Just sharing....

My 2nd appointment

10 December 2010 - pukul 8:30 pagi.

Saya ada follow-up appointment dengan Dr. Kasmini (psychiatrist di Damansara Specialis Hospital)

Dr. mahu tahu perkembangan saya selama sebulan mengambil Lexapro setengah biji setiap hari....

REALITInya saya tak habis ubat yang dr. bagi tu....

Saya rasa saya hanya makan dalam 10-12 kali je dalam sebulan ubat tu....

Saya tak tahan side-effect dia....

Makin sakit kepala....

Cepat cirit-birit (saya suka side effect yang ni sebab bleh senang nak kurus huhuhu)..

Cepat loya...

Banyak angin...

Senang sakit perut....

Kadang-kadang rasa 'high' macam amek ecstasy...

Anxiety bertambah teruk... tapi kadang kadang je

(mungkin sbb nak betulkan semula chemical imbalance dalam otak saya yang tak berapa nak betul)

Kebetulan pulak pada bulan yang sama saya makan Yasmin sejenis pil hormon....

SO ...bila makan serentak ubat Yasmin dan Lexapro tu.....

loya teruk sangat macam rasa kena morning sickness...!! ...huhu...agaknya la cenggitu kowt rasa morning sickness...

TAPIKAN....saya cerita kat Dr. tu saya rajin makan LExapro dan dah berjaya habiskan stock Lexapro yang Dr. bagi....

Huhuhuuh....pandai rupanya Cik Zy ni berlakon ye....

Semua side-effect yang saya rasa tu saya cerita kat Dr...

Dan Dr. kata itu adalah normal...

Pastu di akhir sesi Dr. prescribe untuk ambil Lexapro every other day..atau in plain BM is selang sehari.....

dan Xanax jika perlu semasa anxiety attack...

Next appointment ialah pada 21 January 2011 pkul 8:30 pagi

DAN TAPI ...DAN TAPI.....TAPIKANNNN...

sekarang ni dah 31 December 2010...

Satu biji Lexapro pon saya tak telan sejak 2nd appointment hari tu.....

muehehehehhehehehehhe.........

Dasat tak saya ni....

Aduyai....

Oleh itu saya nak umumkan kat korang salah satu resolusi saya pada tahun baru 2011, ialah:

Start makan setengah biji Lexapro untuk EOD (every other day)

Just sharing....

fizikal vs mental

dua perkara yang berbeza tapi sangat berkait rapat antara satu sama lain..

kalau mental tak kuat....badan senang sakit contohnya sakit kepala , sakit sendi....

kalau badan asyik sakit-sakit...lama kelamaan mental akan mula tergugat...

kes aku pulak....

these couple of years aku try menguatkan mental aku melawan anxiety disorder...

aku redah je walaupun sebenarnya aku berada dalam ketakutan pada masa itu...

aku ignore ...aku buat dunno...

dan aku berjaya kurangkan bilangan panic attack yang selalu aku alami...

tapi percubaan aku melawan secara psikologi, takes a toll on my physical well being...

aku perasan, aku makin kerap sakit kepala, aku makin kerap sakit sendi...

walaupun aku ada berjumpa physician mengadu hal sakit fizikalku...

tp jawapannya tak memuaskan hatiku...

so...aku amek keputusan untuk berjumpa psychiatrist...

dan seperti jangkaanku....

psychiatrist kata your anxiety disorder have shown its physical manifestation on your body...

thats why awak kerap rasa sakit....

dan dari saat inilah bermula kembali era lexapro dalam hidupku...

tapi kali ini banyak sgt side effect nya...

loya, cirit birit dan sakit kepala yg makin menjadi-jadi..

cepatla tiba next appoinment...

Just sharing....

Esok Saya ada Appointment

Esok saya ada appointment....Yeay..yebadabedu...

Dah 2 tahun saya tunggu appointment ni...

Akhirnya, berkat saya amek half-day MC Jumaat lepas ada faedahnya...

Dan juga berkat kesabaran saya menunggu hampir dua jam di bilik menunggu itu membuahkan hasil..

Ini lah orang kata hendak seribu daya...atau dalam orang putih law of attraction..

tapi entah kenapa saya rasa saya ok pulak sepanjang minggu ni....

Semuanya Alhamdulillah baik-baik sahaja jika nak dibandingkan dengan minggu lepas...

Apakah mungkin kerana pertolongan kamu Cik Yasmin ?

Apa saya nak stori ek dengan dia...seriusly memang banyak sangat nak tanya.....

tapi tak tau la nak mulakan kat mana...hehehe...

otak ni dok bagi idea buat draft skrip dulu sebelum berjumpa supaya tak ade soalan penting yg tertinggal... tapi kemalasan mengatasi segalanya...hopefully esok sempat buat skrip ...hehe

Ps: Minggu lepas setelah 2 tahun tak berjumpa saya sangat gembira bila dia cakap saya nampak makin cantik dan berseri....(hai..perasannya...)... tapi satu soalan dia ni yang buat saya terkedu...

Why are you still single ? ... ha...itu salah satu perkara yang saya nak sangat cakap dengan dia...

Just sharing....

Bipolar Disorder ?

Or some may refer it as manic depressive disorder (if i'm not mistaken la..)

Do i have it ? I don't know..

but i suspect i'm having it right now...

it's been quite a long while that i think i have it without any concrete diagnose from a psychiatrist..

it has go on about 5 months...

Why i thought so ?

In the morning

i will always felt sad as consequences of my active mind that always thought of sad and worrying things out of almost everything...!!!

even a tiny mini things i'm able to exaggerated until eventually became a sad and depressive thing (sometimes until i cried for real to help me to get rid of my thoughts)...

like today i have a stomachache and felt a little discomfort, starting from that point, my mind started to fear of having stomach internal bleeding similar with my father who have died from organ failure due to internal bleeding that originate from his stomach as effect from his brain tumor ...etc.etc mental illness...family,love etc..etc...being single...etc...etc..and the thoughts goes on and on...like Alice in Wonderland ..u know..

i'm unable to focus on work.... the most is ten minutes...then thinking for 20 minutes..then work again...then thinking again....

because of my work surroundings require most of my time in front pc (and yeahhh....i'm a programmer so i also do my thinking about work in front of pc).....nobody ever notice my problem, they thought i'm in the midst of solving my work related problem...(or may be i'm good at masking my sadness, hiding my feelings and swept away problems ??? Ouh ...and one of my fastest way to escape from my own depressive mind is to talk with my colleagues however work plus bosses prevent me to do so )

in the afternoon

my mind became more stabilize... have more focus on work.... sometimes too much focus until i cant' put my hand down from my keyboard...become more active compared to the morning...more OK and a bit joyful through the night

and lately...

the stressfulness have increase 3-6 piles as i approach next week...i have Mandarin exam, a trip to singapore and krabi (fyi, i have fear of height, flying, sometimes claustrophobia and fear of having panic attack ) and renew road-tax...with all of this i need Xanax badly but i'm unable to get new stocks ... try to called Dr. Kasmini a few times but cannot get her connected... try Dr Barathi but she's no longer at Apollo TTDI... and heyyyy.... we only have 65 psychiatrist in Malaysia..!!

and one more crucial facts i noticed...

if i sleep only 2-3 hours...the whole day i'll be sleepy at office BUT i'm more relax with less thinking and worrisome in comparison with having slept for 6-7 hours....why is that so?

Do i have Bipolar Disorder ? Just wondering or maybe worrying......

And i cried reading this article today, it remind me that i'm one of 'it' :(

Just sharing....

Welcoming me to the blog world - the purpose, the reason & the responsibility

Assalamualaikum.... Alhamdulillah...This is my first entri into the blog world.... i've always enjoy reading blog...it is one of my favourite past time no matter where and when even during office hour..haha...sorry boss. I found it very informative, well it depends on the topic that interest me though...So i thought why not me having my own blog... ?? What had stopped me initially is because..i dont think i have writing skill..mm well u can judge it by reading this entry..i'm not well articulate person..but i like to improve my writing skill especially in English language ...
In this blog too, i would like to share my experience as a person who has generalized anxiety disorder & easily depressed.... or generally known as mental ailments...mmmm what's that ? well ... wait and read further (that's mean u need to come again to my blog)...actually i've always wanted to find a support group in my country for this disorder besides my psychiatrist of course... but end up futile....the term of this disorder is not common in Malaysia (i guess)... people usually refer it as 'buatan orang' or 'hilang semangat' or 'gila' (the worst description of all) or whatever it is called....and to date i've been suffering from it for about 8-9 years on and off.....so i hope by creating this blog i can share some information about it (eventhough only little information... i think better than none) . But this blog is not entirely dedicated to my experience having this disorder...intermittently i may share something different & what i think interesting to be shared.