A day full of ... hmmm...mood swing ? mind twisting ? ooorrr emotional madness? to be honest i'm not quite sure what type of day i had today.... one hour i'm overwhelmed with mind full of self-pity, self-criticizing and feelings of disappointment about everything that had happened in my life and also worrying about my blurred future, the thoughts was so real that makes me run into the toilet to let go off my feelings (crying , of course). Then, i found myself chit chatting and giggling with my colleagues. The next 2 hours after that i had my eyes sticked to the monitor with full concetration switching between work and internet. Then back again thinking of bad and depressing thoughts, missing my arwah Abah a lot and reminisced disputes i had with a 'best friend' and how much i hated what he has done to me but not to mention missing his present during the good old times despite my hatred towards him (however i still don't intend to contact him anymore.) And the cycle goes on and on until the end of the day, as i walk out from my office door the darkness of night surrounded me and suddenly FEAR creeping inside me....it's the sign of panic attack... while trying to contend my panic , i quickly went to Surau, thinking hard to find ways to avoid developing severe panic attack alone bcoz there's not many people working late at the office... my mind wanted to get help by calling someone who can understand my situation, however i ended up calling no one as not many person i knew may understand what i am dealing with.... they sometimes can even makes things worst for me (read: in my opinion people in Malaysia are still not well educated on how to deal with people having panic attacks)....i've tried techniques i've read to reduce panic attack ...yeahh....relaxation techniques and deep breathing...but failed the feeling kept coming back......I then felt confused and started to loose my reality every minutes.... as quick recovery and as a last resort.. i hesitantly popped into my mouth half of xanax 0.5mg.....as the feeling subsided... i safely arrived home with a guilt of taking Xanax because i've experienced how bad it is when you've become dependent with Xanax......
I think it's about time to make appoinment with Dr. Kasmini Kassim
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
A Fire Drill and A Helping Hand
~~~~~~~
Fire drill
~~~~~~~
Just came back from a fire drill session at my workplace.... like the ordinary & previous fire drill sessions, the bell will make irritating noise out and loud of the usual sound of long unstoppable
'Rrrrrriiiiiiinnnnngggggg Lllliinnnggggg Riiinnggggg LLLliiiiinnnnggggg Rrrriiinnggg Lllliiingg!!!!!!'
And then the long waiting session came ..... waiting for all to gather at the space provided and grouped into each departments and floors ..... the new thing in today's session was all volunteers for each group wears a yellow fluorescent vest, holding and displaying the department's name and floor just to make the crowd into more organized manner compare to last year session.....after all people in the building successfully gathered outside, 'BOMBA' will begin their checking to make sure that no people were 'burning' in the building.
I don't like to be in a crowd full of people and do nothing.... especially when my mood is not in 'OK' condition... Hence, as an escape of being waiting and agitating, i told our group volunteer that i want to go to the ladies because 'Cannot tahan la' .....but instead i just wait there (read: outside the ladies room... just nearby the staircase... at least i can see the crowd & know what's going around there) until the whole thing was over ....ha..ha !! What a brilliant escape idea..!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Helping Hand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last weekend... on the way back from Banting... we drop by my parents' friend house... actually they invited us for Raya openhouse... but since the openhouse was only until 4 pm (read: we only arrived at their house on 5 pm) so it turn out to be just a friend's visit...
The couple have a daughter...slightly older than me.... i never saw her everytime we pay them a visit...my mother informed me that she has a problem, she don't like to meet strangers and just stay at her room when everybody comes to their house. The word 'Social Phobia' popped out from my mind and the urge to help her coming out from the dark by suggesting to see psychiatrist filling my head... but how am i to approach her family to do so without being labeled as busy body?
Fire drill
~~~~~~~
Just came back from a fire drill session at my workplace.... like the ordinary & previous fire drill sessions, the bell will make irritating noise out and loud of the usual sound of long unstoppable
'Rrrrrriiiiiiinnnnngggggg Lllliinnnggggg Riiinnggggg LLLliiiiinnnnggggg Rrrriiinnggg Lllliiingg!!!!!!'
And then the long waiting session came ..... waiting for all to gather at the space provided and grouped into each departments and floors ..... the new thing in today's session was all volunteers for each group wears a yellow fluorescent vest, holding and displaying the department's name and floor just to make the crowd into more organized manner compare to last year session.....after all people in the building successfully gathered outside, 'BOMBA' will begin their checking to make sure that no people were 'burning' in the building.
I don't like to be in a crowd full of people and do nothing.... especially when my mood is not in 'OK' condition... Hence, as an escape of being waiting and agitating, i told our group volunteer that i want to go to the ladies because 'Cannot tahan la' .....but instead i just wait there (read: outside the ladies room... just nearby the staircase... at least i can see the crowd & know what's going around there) until the whole thing was over ....ha..ha !! What a brilliant escape idea..!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Helping Hand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last weekend... on the way back from Banting... we drop by my parents' friend house... actually they invited us for Raya openhouse... but since the openhouse was only until 4 pm (read: we only arrived at their house on 5 pm) so it turn out to be just a friend's visit...
The couple have a daughter...slightly older than me.... i never saw her everytime we pay them a visit...my mother informed me that she has a problem, she don't like to meet strangers and just stay at her room when everybody comes to their house. The word 'Social Phobia' popped out from my mind and the urge to help her coming out from the dark by suggesting to see psychiatrist filling my head... but how am i to approach her family to do so without being labeled as busy body?
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
When my mind become out of control, emotions went high and touch of reality fade away.....
I can't believe it ! I can blog from my office..?!! Ouh...Still taking some time to admit the fact that i can send my blog entri via my workplace..... Wow... am i happy..? Of course ! So now if i'm fasting or not going out during lunch instead of sleeping on my desk, i can go blogging... It's unbelievable actually knowing that our IT personnel didn't block this page because there are numbers of websites that are being block by them.... all email websites, facebook, friendster...and the list goes on......
As now i'm entering our office luchtime whilst fasting... i can spend my time to write today's entry.... and here it goes.....
Bismillahirahmanirahim...
When my mind become out of control, my emotions went high and my touch to reality fade away..... that's the feelings when the episode of mental breakdown occured to me. During episodes of panic attacks, anxiety went out of control, emotion going roller coaster and depression makes the big hit to the rock bottom. Sometimes (read: not all the time) when this scary moment happen in the office or anywhere else where i can't find somebody i trust to find comfort by expressing my inner feelings (read: in reality, it is difficult to find that somebody who understand what i'm going through during the episodes)....i will reach out for any medium that enable me to write my inner feelings ...and my easiest medium to reach out is my beloved handphone.
Here are some of my expression during my mental breakdown episodes that i've saved in my handphone, yeah i didn't delete the drafts.... just for future reference... and there's one i wrote using Microsoft Words in my office (obviously i forgot to bring my handphone on that day )
1. Date : 17 March 2009, Location: Office, Medium : Microsoft Words
'This is a story of me… on 17 March 2009…. A person who has generalized anxiety disorder, for about 8 year plus since first diagnosis… who has hormone imbalance which only can make me menstruate if I take hormone pills…. A person who sometimes suffers from depression in 1 hour and can be very happy 1 hour after that….. A person who had experience depression in her early life as a career woman and had the first panic attack when she finally becomes somebody’s girlfriend at the age of 21. And now on 17 March 2009 … the feeling of tense overwhelmed me thinking of…. Is there a good guy out there destined for me…? Who love me as I am...? I wrote this after a friend of me tell me about her problem… recently she become close to her ex-fiancée and wondering why suddenly this guy hitting on her again…. Then she kept receiving message from a girl… who claimed that she is getting married with her ex-fiancée on April!! I pity this poor lady because she is getting married with a guy who is still thinking of his ex-fiancée and not so sure about his feeling marrying her…. And I pity my friend because getting false hope from his ex-fiancée…. Why are guys always hurting girls feeling with his immature way of thinking and uncertainties? '
2. Date : 28 September 2009, Location : Office , Medium : My Handphone
'I need help badly ! I need to forget about something.. Everything bad that happened to my life in this year, I'm already exhausted keeping it to myself and i want out immediately! My office environment keeps the memories i want to forget or maybe the work environment that was not up to beat for me that make my mind have plenty of time think unthoughful thoughts and makes me remind of these bad feelings... Or maybe i'm just like this? Or I’m just too worried that my life turns out not as i expected how it should be like many of us here on earth ? '
3. Date : 18 September 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I really need help ! i think my mental health is in problem so the effect of this mental things makes me tired physically.... i need urgent attention....urgent rectification....How do i make it go away ? Me, myself need always to think positive. There are help and cure for any ailments'
4. Date : 22 May 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I don't want to eat Xanax but lately my condition is getting worst and worst ... i need help badly before i get burnout....Tekanan perasaan yang sungguh hebat ujian daripada Tuhan ke atas diriku... penyakit mental menyebabkan diriku mudah depress, panik dan fobia...sekarang ni takut pengsan je....jangan takut.... i'll be fine.... Allah ada.'
Wow.... when i read it back.... feel like i'm in total madness....... however i did survive through all the episodes.....I just need to be strong...... Thank You Allah for giving me strength..
As now i'm entering our office luchtime whilst fasting... i can spend my time to write today's entry.... and here it goes.....
Bismillahirahmanirahim...
When my mind become out of control, my emotions went high and my touch to reality fade away..... that's the feelings when the episode of mental breakdown occured to me. During episodes of panic attacks, anxiety went out of control, emotion going roller coaster and depression makes the big hit to the rock bottom. Sometimes (read: not all the time) when this scary moment happen in the office or anywhere else where i can't find somebody i trust to find comfort by expressing my inner feelings (read: in reality, it is difficult to find that somebody who understand what i'm going through during the episodes)....i will reach out for any medium that enable me to write my inner feelings ...and my easiest medium to reach out is my beloved handphone.
Here are some of my expression during my mental breakdown episodes that i've saved in my handphone, yeah i didn't delete the drafts.... just for future reference... and there's one i wrote using Microsoft Words in my office (obviously i forgot to bring my handphone on that day )
1. Date : 17 March 2009, Location: Office, Medium : Microsoft Words
'This is a story of me… on 17 March 2009…. A person who has generalized anxiety disorder, for about 8 year plus since first diagnosis… who has hormone imbalance which only can make me menstruate if I take hormone pills…. A person who sometimes suffers from depression in 1 hour and can be very happy 1 hour after that….. A person who had experience depression in her early life as a career woman and had the first panic attack when she finally becomes somebody’s girlfriend at the age of 21. And now on 17 March 2009 … the feeling of tense overwhelmed me thinking of…. Is there a good guy out there destined for me…? Who love me as I am...? I wrote this after a friend of me tell me about her problem… recently she become close to her ex-fiancée and wondering why suddenly this guy hitting on her again…. Then she kept receiving message from a girl… who claimed that she is getting married with her ex-fiancée on April!! I pity this poor lady because she is getting married with a guy who is still thinking of his ex-fiancée and not so sure about his feeling marrying her…. And I pity my friend because getting false hope from his ex-fiancée…. Why are guys always hurting girls feeling with his immature way of thinking and uncertainties? '
2. Date : 28 September 2009, Location : Office , Medium : My Handphone
'I need help badly ! I need to forget about something.. Everything bad that happened to my life in this year, I'm already exhausted keeping it to myself and i want out immediately! My office environment keeps the memories i want to forget or maybe the work environment that was not up to beat for me that make my mind have plenty of time think unthoughful thoughts and makes me remind of these bad feelings... Or maybe i'm just like this? Or I’m just too worried that my life turns out not as i expected how it should be like many of us here on earth ? '
3. Date : 18 September 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I really need help ! i think my mental health is in problem so the effect of this mental things makes me tired physically.... i need urgent attention....urgent rectification....How do i make it go away ? Me, myself need always to think positive. There are help and cure for any ailments'
4. Date : 22 May 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I don't want to eat Xanax but lately my condition is getting worst and worst ... i need help badly before i get burnout....Tekanan perasaan yang sungguh hebat ujian daripada Tuhan ke atas diriku... penyakit mental menyebabkan diriku mudah depress, panik dan fobia...sekarang ni takut pengsan je....jangan takut.... i'll be fine.... Allah ada.'
Wow.... when i read it back.... feel like i'm in total madness....... however i did survive through all the episodes.....I just need to be strong...... Thank You Allah for giving me strength..
Hari Kesihatan Mental Sedunia 10 Oktober 2009
Tema - Kesihatan Mental dalam Penjagaan Utama: Mengukuhkan Rawatan dan Promosi Kesihatan Mental
Individu yang sihat mental berupaya mengekalkan perhubungan yang harmoni dengan orang lain, mengambil bahagian dalam aktiviti kemasyarakatan dan boleh menyumbang di dalam masyarakat (Definisi Pertubuhan Kesihatan Sedunia - WHO).
Menurut Polisi Kesihatan Mental Malaysia - kesihatan mental merujuk kepada keupayaan individu, kumpulan dan persekitaran untuk berinteraksi antara satu sama lain bagi menjana perasaan sejahtera dan fungsi yang optimis dan penggunaan kebolehan kognitif / intelek, efektif / emosi dan perhubungan dalam mencapai matlamat individu dan kumpulan yang konsisten dengan keadilan.
Secara amnya anda mempunyai kesihatan mental yang positif jika anda :
Individu yang sihat mental berupaya mengekalkan perhubungan yang harmoni dengan orang lain, mengambil bahagian dalam aktiviti kemasyarakatan dan boleh menyumbang di dalam masyarakat (Definisi Pertubuhan Kesihatan Sedunia - WHO).
Menurut Polisi Kesihatan Mental Malaysia - kesihatan mental merujuk kepada keupayaan individu, kumpulan dan persekitaran untuk berinteraksi antara satu sama lain bagi menjana perasaan sejahtera dan fungsi yang optimis dan penggunaan kebolehan kognitif / intelek, efektif / emosi dan perhubungan dalam mencapai matlamat individu dan kumpulan yang konsisten dengan keadilan.
Secara amnya anda mempunyai kesihatan mental yang positif jika anda :
- Selesa dengan diri sendiri
- Selesa dengan orang lain
- Selesa dengan persekitaran
- Dapat memenuhi tuntutan hidup
(Sumber: Mingguan Malaysia, 11 Oktober 2009)
Useful link for information about mental health in Malaysia:
My mental health check for today..... mmmm.... so far so good...
- attention / focus / reality / rationality -------score : 7/10
- emotion / mood / stress level ----------------score:6/10
- Physical health------------------------------ score:4/10
- Heart & soul / reminisce to Allah-------------score:6/10
comment : very painful headache which almost effect my today's mood, stiff neck and arm most probably cause by signboard climbing & shooting session on Sunday's outing @ Bukit Jugra Banting
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Banting
I'm in Banting right now, blogging from my cousin's house. Banting is about one and the half hour journey from KL, located in state of Selangor. Compare to 10 years ago, Banting now is more happening and lively, the road are wider with a smooth ride....10 years ago the road to Banting was a disaster for me and my family. Believe it or not, there is an 24 hours McDonald oultet only 5 minutes drive from my cousin's house in Taman Gembira, that's cool for a small town like Banting. We just came back from there after throwing a small birthday party to my cousin and our 'special gift' to him is BigMac with a candle on top... We also took a quick mid nite tour around Banting, we went to Pantai Kelanang and Pantai Morib.... It was a scary journey to Pantai Kelanang because there's no single street light along the small road, besides we are surrounded with mangroves... during the trip i just pray hard that our car was in good condition and Celcom signal was available....not to forget along the 'scary' journey i'm trying hard to keep myself from panic attacks in the middle of nowhere.....sigh... Luckily everything goes smoothly and we reach to Pantai Kelanang safely... hehe... but there's nothing much to see because it was very dark... but i believe it's a beatiful place if we went there during the daytime. Ouh...what a day .....
And now, checking my mental status for this week... mmm... i think this week was better than last week....i'm more productive in my work progress... i've finished checking and rectifying 5 reports.... Yeay..!! But there's also a few down time especially when the headache attack due to my allergic reaction and backpain causes by my poor posture and scoliosis ...but hey overall i'm OK and happy ...
P/S: I've Google some image of Pantai Kelanang ...since i don't have the chance to see it in the daytime... it makes me wonder how does the pantai look like....and this is the link for my search result (Thank you to the photo owner by sharing with us this image in Fotopages)
And now, checking my mental status for this week... mmm... i think this week was better than last week....i'm more productive in my work progress... i've finished checking and rectifying 5 reports.... Yeay..!! But there's also a few down time especially when the headache attack due to my allergic reaction and backpain causes by my poor posture and scoliosis ...but hey overall i'm OK and happy ...
P/S: I've Google some image of Pantai Kelanang ...since i don't have the chance to see it in the daytime... it makes me wonder how does the pantai look like....and this is the link for my search result (Thank you to the photo owner by sharing with us this image in Fotopages)
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