When my mind become out of control, emotions went high and touch of reality fade away.....

I can't believe it ! I can blog from my office..?!! Ouh...Still taking some time to admit the fact that i can send my blog entri via my workplace..... Wow... am i happy..? Of course ! So now if i'm fasting or not going out during lunch instead of sleeping on my desk, i can go blogging... It's unbelievable actually knowing that our IT personnel didn't block this page because there are numbers of websites that are being block by them.... all email websites, facebook, friendster...and the list goes on......

As now i'm entering our office luchtime whilst fasting... i can spend my time to write today's entry.... and here it goes.....

Bismillahirahmanirahim...

When my mind become out of control, my emotions went high and my touch to reality fade away..... that's the feelings when the episode of mental breakdown occured to me. During episodes of panic attacks, anxiety went out of control, emotion going roller coaster and depression makes the big hit to the rock bottom. Sometimes (read: not all the time) when this scary moment happen in the office or anywhere else where i can't find somebody i trust to find comfort by expressing my inner feelings (read: in reality, it is difficult to find that somebody who understand what i'm going through during the episodes)....i will reach out for any medium that enable me to write my inner feelings ...and my easiest medium to reach out is my beloved handphone.

Here are some of my expression during my mental breakdown episodes that i've saved in my handphone, yeah i didn't delete the drafts.... just for future reference... and there's one i wrote using Microsoft Words in my office (obviously i forgot to bring my handphone on that day )

1. Date : 17 March 2009, Location: Office, Medium : Microsoft Words
'This is a story of me… on 17 March 2009…. A person who has generalized anxiety disorder, for about 8 year plus since first diagnosis… who has hormone imbalance which only can make me menstruate if I take hormone pills…. A person who sometimes suffers from depression in 1 hour and can be very happy 1 hour after that….. A person who had experience depression in her early life as a career woman and had the first panic attack when she finally becomes somebody’s girlfriend at the age of 21. And now on 17 March 2009 … the feeling of tense overwhelmed me thinking of…. Is there a good guy out there destined for me…? Who love me as I am...? I wrote this after a friend of me tell me about her problem… recently she become close to her ex-fiancée and wondering why suddenly this guy hitting on her again…. Then she kept receiving message from a girl… who claimed that she is getting married with her ex-fiancée on April!! I pity this poor lady because she is getting married with a guy who is still thinking of his ex-fiancée and not so sure about his feeling marrying her…. And I pity my friend because getting false hope from his ex-fiancée…. Why are guys always hurting girls feeling with his immature way of thinking and uncertainties? '

2. Date : 28 September 2009, Location : Office , Medium : My Handphone
'I need help badly ! I need to forget about something.. Everything bad that happened to my life in this year, I'm already exhausted keeping it to myself and i want out immediately! My office environment keeps the memories i want to forget or maybe the work environment that was not up to beat for me that make my mind have plenty of time think unthoughful thoughts and makes me remind of these bad feelings... Or maybe i'm just like this? Or I’m just too worried that my life turns out not as i expected how it should be like many of us here on earth ? '

3. Date : 18 September 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I really need help ! i think my mental health is in problem so the effect of this mental things makes me tired physically.... i need urgent attention....urgent rectification....How do i make it go away ? Me, myself need always to think positive. There are help and cure for any ailments'

4. Date : 22 May 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I don't want to eat Xanax but lately my condition is getting worst and worst ... i need help badly before i get burnout....Tekanan perasaan yang sungguh hebat ujian daripada Tuhan ke atas diriku... penyakit mental menyebabkan diriku mudah depress, panik dan fobia...sekarang ni takut pengsan je....jangan takut.... i'll be fine.... Allah ada.'

Wow.... when i read it back.... feel like i'm in total madness....... however i did survive through all the episodes.....I just need to be strong...... Thank You Allah for giving me strength..

Hari Kesihatan Mental Sedunia 10 Oktober 2009

Tema - Kesihatan Mental dalam Penjagaan Utama: Mengukuhkan Rawatan dan Promosi Kesihatan Mental

Individu yang sihat mental berupaya mengekalkan perhubungan yang harmoni dengan orang lain, mengambil bahagian dalam aktiviti kemasyarakatan dan boleh menyumbang di dalam masyarakat (Definisi Pertubuhan Kesihatan Sedunia - WHO).

Menurut Polisi Kesihatan Mental Malaysia - kesihatan mental merujuk kepada keupayaan individu, kumpulan dan persekitaran untuk berinteraksi antara satu sama lain bagi menjana perasaan sejahtera dan fungsi yang optimis dan penggunaan kebolehan kognitif / intelek, efektif / emosi dan perhubungan dalam mencapai matlamat individu dan kumpulan yang konsisten dengan keadilan.

Secara amnya anda mempunyai kesihatan mental yang positif jika anda :

• Selesa dengan diri sendiri
• Selesa dengan orang lain
• Selesa dengan persekitaran
• Dapat memenuhi tuntutan hidup

(Sumber: Mingguan Malaysia, 11 Oktober 2009)

Useful link for information about mental health in Malaysia:

• http://www.mentalhealth.org.my/
• http://www.psychiatry-malaysia.org/

My mental health check for today..... mmmm.... so far so good...

1. attention / focus / reality / rationality -------score : 7/10
2. emotion / mood / stress level ----------------score:6/10
3. Physical health------------------------------ score:4/10
4. Heart & soul / reminisce to Allah-------------score:6/10

comment : very painful headache which almost effect my today's mood, stiff neck and arm most probably cause by signboard climbing & shooting session on Sunday's outing @ Bukit Jugra Banting

Banting

I'm in Banting right now, blogging from my cousin's house. Banting is about one and the half hour journey from KL, located in state of Selangor. Compare to 10 years ago, Banting now is more happening and lively, the road are wider with a smooth ride....10 years ago the road to Banting was a disaster for me and my family. Believe it or not, there is an 24 hours McDonald oultet only 5 minutes drive from my cousin's house in Taman Gembira, that's cool for a small town like Banting. We just came back from there after throwing a small birthday party to my cousin and our 'special gift' to him is BigMac with a candle on top... We also took a quick mid nite tour around Banting, we went to Pantai Kelanang and Pantai Morib.... It was a scary journey to Pantai Kelanang because there's no single street light along the small road, besides we are surrounded with mangroves... during the trip i just pray hard that our car was in good condition and Celcom signal was available....not to forget along the 'scary' journey i'm trying hard to keep myself from panic attacks in the middle of nowhere.....sigh... Luckily everything goes smoothly and we reach to Pantai Kelanang safely... hehe... but there's nothing much to see because it was very dark... but i believe it's a beatiful place if we went there during the daytime. Ouh...what a day .....

And now, checking my mental status for this week... mmm... i think this week was better than last week....i'm more productive in my work progress... i've finished checking and rectifying 5 reports.... Yeay..!! But there's also a few down time especially when the headache attack due to my allergic reaction and backpain causes by my poor posture and scoliosis ...but hey overall i'm OK and happy ...

P/S: I've Google some image of Pantai Kelanang ...since i don't have the chance to see it in the daytime... it makes me wonder how does the pantai look like....and this is the link for my search result (Thank you to the photo owner by sharing with us this image in Fotopages)

http://shw.jasnis38.fotopages.com/1435042/pantai-kelanang-10.html

Waiting

HeLLo !!

This is my posting while waiting for my sister and her fiance to arrive at my house. After this we will be heading to Banting for a family get together session. Yeah... every week in this special month of Syawal there will be many get together session with family, colleagues, old friends, ex-schoolmate... well you can name it.

Last week, there are an engagement and a wedding ceremony. Both occassions was so well organized. I enjoy being their guest, different organizer by two different friend, one is my best friend from primary school and the later is my officemate. The food was marvellous...

Oh no! i have to stop writing.... they are back.... need to do packing because i'll be staying there for one night..... BYE

Healing my life

Assalamualaikum.... it's been a while I left this blog without any update...this week is a very tiring week for me...not physically but mentally....
There's some issues between me and a good friend of mine...I don't know what exactly causes this thing to happened.... maybe this issue only exist in my retarded mind, I’m unable to express anything plus I don’t want to make things worst….but what I know I feel angry, shame, dishonor, self-pity, left behind, cheated….all sort of negative feelings surrounded me…. I can’t even focus with my work…. What I’ve noticed throughout this week is… In the morning…. My mind can’t concentrate on my assignment…it kept reminisce the issues I had with this friend…it just can stop coming into my mind…. The feeling was surreal makes me shed tears in front of my pc….anything that can remind me of him, even small thing will frenzied my mind. My gloomy work environment makes the problem worst…So on Tuesday… I took medical leave and when to see doctor… as expected the doctor said ‘You’re depressed..!’ and prescribed me Sonar5 Tab 5mg for 1 week….a mild relaxant…..milder than xanax…. however if problem persist he will refer me to psychiatrist or prescribe me antidepressant…
I’ve always have problem swallowing capsules…so until today I did not take the prescribed meds….and things getting worst @ the office…feels like my mind going crazy and emotional going wild….when this happened I try to focus on something else such as deep breathing, reciting Quran, focus my mind on positive things and short meditation…it helps for a while though..