Waiting

HeLLo !!

This is my posting while waiting for my sister and her fiance to arrive at my house. After this we will be heading to Banting for a family get together session. Yeah... every week in this special month of Syawal there will be many get together session with family, colleagues, old friends, ex-schoolmate... well you can name it.

Last week, there are an engagement and a wedding ceremony. Both occassions was so well organized. I enjoy being their guest, different organizer by two different friend, one is my best friend from primary school and the later is my officemate. The food was marvellous...

Oh no! i have to stop writing.... they are back.... need to do packing because i'll be staying there for one night..... BYE

Healing my life

Assalamualaikum.... it's been a while I left this blog without any update...this week is a very tiring week for me...not physically but mentally....
There's some issues between me and a good friend of mine...I don't know what exactly causes this thing to happened.... maybe this issue only exist in my retarded mind, I’m unable to express anything plus I don’t want to make things worst….but what I know I feel angry, shame, dishonor, self-pity, left behind, cheated….all sort of negative feelings surrounded me…. I can’t even focus with my work…. What I’ve noticed throughout this week is… In the morning…. My mind can’t concentrate on my assignment…it kept reminisce the issues I had with this friend…it just can stop coming into my mind…. The feeling was surreal makes me shed tears in front of my pc….anything that can remind me of him, even small thing will frenzied my mind. My gloomy work environment makes the problem worst…So on Tuesday… I took medical leave and when to see doctor… as expected the doctor said ‘You’re depressed..!’ and prescribed me Sonar5 Tab 5mg for 1 week….a mild relaxant…..milder than xanax…. however if problem persist he will refer me to psychiatrist or prescribe me antidepressant…
I’ve always have problem swallowing capsules…so until today I did not take the prescribed meds….and things getting worst @ the office…feels like my mind going crazy and emotional going wild….when this happened I try to focus on something else such as deep breathing, reciting Quran, focus my mind on positive things and short meditation…it helps for a while though..

Keeping Myself Busy...

Today, i've keep myself busy by cooking. I love cooking, it enhanced my vision of flavors on how to mix up the correct ingredients to produce tastes of food i wish to create. Thus my whole day today was filled with cutting, peeling, frying, boiling, simmering, baking and eating. Yum...Yum...!
By assigning yourself with task that are enjoyable in timely manner can teach oneselves to focus on things to be done in order to finish the task. It helps to divert your thoughts on something useful rather than filling up your mind with nonsense thinking of fear, worries and resentment.
As for me, by doing nothing such as watching boring tv show, surfing the internet without any good purpose or by simply daydreaming could aleviate my mind to think about all sorts of things, if it is a good one.... then it's ok & good sign ..... but what if it is not ? .... as a chronic worrier... my mind will always think of all the possibilities and consequences of each action i wanted to do or that have already passed ... the process can go on and on until it seem so real and this may causes anxiety level to increase. Since the day i had noticed this condition(too bad i just noticed it only recently) i always wake up everyday with today's list of things i love and enjoy to do in my mind. It is important to emphasize the word love and enjoy ... because i don't want to end up doing things that eventually makes me feel stressful.

Back in KL

Alhamdulillah ...i'm back in KL after having an enjoyable Raya in kampung. Felt tired physically but happy in my heart. Family gathering is the best part during Raya, our activities include photography session, chit chatting, teasing each other, burn fireworks and of course eat...eat and eat until i gain 5 kilos....I love being around them... laughter, love , care , togetherness surrounded us..... makes me forgot all my ailments and problems...thank you Allah for blessing me with this priceless rewards......

and heyy.... 5 minutes ago i received a text from my ex-primary schoolmate which i haven't met for a long time eventhough we live in the same area..she invited me to come over to her house for catching up on each other session...mmmm interesting huh ?.. & i am looking forward to meet her too and this causes my anxiety level up again.... yeahh, sometimes excitement and uncommon event in my life makes me nervous and sometimes panic could hits me. My mind started running wild, excitements and unfamiliar situation are able to cause my heart beats faster and my breathing faster... these two factors can lead to panic attack, if provided on that particular situation i am not strong enough physically and mentally to fight those bad thoughts and phobias. One thing i can do to ease bad thoughts and negative thinking away from my mind is to ask someone i'm comfortable with to accompany me into that unfamiliar situation... having that person as a companionship can focus down my bad thoughts to her/him rather than going alone ..because by going alone i have me by myself, i will have all my thoughts focus on me... and only me ... and this will intensify my anxiety.

A Little bit of ThiS & tHat .... and taDaaaa..!

Bismillahirahmanirahim.....

Ketupat ..check...rendang..check.......kuah kacang check....kuah lodeh... mmm tomorrow morning there's enough time to prepare.. cookies... check...duit raya ...check... So far my Hari Raya Aidilfitri (Eid Mubarak) preparation seems to be as planned. Yeay..!. Me and my family will be heading to Negeri Sembilan and Johor this morning to visit beloved Atok, aunties, uncles and cousins...being with them is always the thing that i am happily looking forward to do...however, the sad part is, this is first Aidilfitri without the man of my life. I miss him dearly since he passed away... Al-fatihah...may his soul be blessed by the Almighty.

Enough about Hari Raya... Lets focus on this blog's main agenda... and today i would like tell a little bit about me and my generalized anxiety disorder.

My personality before i was diagnozed: I have low self esteem... a quiet person, always keep to my self, less feelings, slow reaction, not to forget sleeping is my favourite past time, procrastination and can easily became very anxious in situation that i don't like to be involve in... such as presentation, interview, being around guys as i will feel uncomfortable, high place like inside cable car and the list goes on...

but my anxieties are always under control and bearable....

UNTIL... on one fine day that i've experienced difficulties in breathing, extreme fear and confusion, feelings that i'm gonna die, rapid heartbeat and shaking profusely... yeah this it's what we call panic attacks ! and this first episode of my panic attacks at the age of 21 triggers the beginning of my session with psychiatrist.

My biological contribution factor: Firstly I have PCOS (Please Google it yourself for details if you really want to know what it is... there's not enough room for me the explain the details about pcos..) and hormon imbalance which makes me easily feeling stress (This fact i obtained through my readings... ). Secondly, my psychiatrist told me that anxiety disorder can run in family... and that's true because my mother did have the same problem but not as bad as mine...but luckily my sister didn't have it, she's totally opposite of me, so i created my own theory on how did i inherited this ailment but not my sister.. its because i'm the first child, thus my mother's anxiety level during pregnancy is greater...

During a session with my psychiatrist, she had explained people that suffering from anxiety disorder and depression have brain chemical imbalance called serotonin as well as other substances that my ears failed to catch the medical terms or the words she's telling me and i don't even know how to pronounce it (so please fogive me ) , therefore i've dedicated this link for more information : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generalized_anxiety_disorder