Bila yang dirancang tak menjadi

Selalunya manusia bila yang dirancang itu tak menjadi pasti ada rasa marah & kecewa..
Sama lah macam saya.....saya pon memang manusia biasa pon...
Jadi apabila benda yang saya rancang dari bulan Januari lagi sampai ke Februari tak menjadi-jadi...
Saya pon jadi marah & kecewa pada mulanya...
Dan bila kita rasa marah & kecewa ...automatik diri akan jadi penat...
bila kepenatan dah reda...baru la fikiran kita tenang dan merancang untuk rancangan yang seterusnya aga 2benda yang dirancang menjadi kenyataan...


Benda yang dirancang : Mahu renew passport
Kenapa tak berjaya: dua kali pergi pejabat Imigresen nombor dah habis...mula tu pkul 11 pg lepas tu pkul 930 pg
rancangan seterusnya: sabtu depan pkul 7:30 am nak terpacak depan pejabat imigresen amek nombor :)


Just sharing....

sunyi sepi...

Rumah dah semakin sunyi sepi...
Hati pon dah makin sunyi sepi....
Hidup pon dah jadi sunyi sepi...

Bila sunyi sepi macam-macam boleh jadi..
Setan pon boleh masuk menyelit dalam hati....

So Cik Zy silalah kuatkan hati...
Jadikan diri dekat padaNya bila saat-saat begini...


P/s Dah boleh jadik puisi plak entri kali ini...




Just sharing....

Macamana Saya Boleh Jadi Seorang Gayat ?

Kalau nak tau saya asalnya bukan seorang yang gayat...
Dulu-dulu sebelum saya kenal penyakit Generalized Anxiety Disorder...
Saya Okay je pun ...kalau naik tangga tinggi-tinggi pastu pandang kat bawah...
Drive kat flyover ...dan yang sewaktu dengannya....

Tapi selepas beberapa episod anxiety dan panic attack yang bertubi-tubi datang selepas umo saya 21 tahum...
Sedikit-demi sedikit perasaan gayat itu muncul....
Saya cuma sedar yang saya gayat ni selepas saya pandai control episod panic attack saya tu...
(seksa ok nak control perasaan ni..... nak ajar otakku untuk control minda yang tengah kusut masai & celaru bila kena anxiety @ panic attack)
Yaa.... saya perasaan yang keadaan anxiety dan panic saya menjadi lebih spesific kepada sesetengah situasi...
itu yang dapat saya pelajari.. mungkin sebab dah lama penyakit ni saya ada... so saya dah dapat identified..
oleh itu dah banyak yang saya pelajari mengenai penyakit ini.... both through experience, readings and of course from my psychiatrist...

camana saya boleh gayat ni?
trauma terkena panic attack masih ada dalam diri saya...
cuma bila berada di tempat tinggi dan agak sempit jer yg menyebabkan saya terasa terlebih panic...rasa macam nak pengsan...itulah sekarang ni saya kalau boleh memang nak elak tempat-tempat begini....
sebabnya kan....bila kita panic tu kita tak sedar sangat perbuatan kita tu...kita cuma dihantui oleh rasa takut yg amat...
selalunya bila kena panic attack saya akan lari atau keluar dari tempat di mana saya sedang duduk untuk mencuba mencari tempat yg boleh buat saya lebih relax...
saya selalu terbayang bila saya ditempat tinggi dan tiba-tiba panic attack yang teruk menyerang saya takut saya 'ter'lari ke tempat yang tak sepatutnya saya lari cthnya tingkap ataupun jurang.... huhuuhuuuuu....itu lah dia kenapa saya tetibe boleh jadik gayattt.......

its so funny ...bila saya fikirkan balik (ketika otak saya berfungsi dengan baik laaa) camana laaa saya boleh terfikir begitu....
tapi nak buat camana...inilah keadaan yang patut saya terima...




Just sharing....

Cerita-cerita yang membuat ku sedih

Why did no one help her? Distraught teenager sent 144 tweets expressing her pain before killing herself

By DAILY MAIL REPORTER

Last updated at 1:20 PM on 11th November 2011

An 18-year-old high school student sent 144 tweets expressing her pain and grief before killing herself. 

Ashley Billasano did not go to her school in Rosenberg, a suburb of Houston, Texas, as usual on Tuesday morning.

Instead, the senior at BF Terry High School took to her Twitter page, posting more than 100 tweets over the course of six hours.

Tragic: 18-year-old high school student Ashley Billasano sent 144 tweets expressing her pain and grief before killing herself

In the messages, the pretty 18-year-old said she has been molested and forced into prostitution, My Fox Houston reported.

More than 500 people were following her Twitter account when she tweeted, 'I'd love to hear what you have to say but I wont be around.'

And finally her last tweet,
'Take two. I hope I get this right.'

The troubled teen used the social networking website to describe how she  felt the first time she was abused. She wrote: [afterwards] 'I went to the bathroom and locked the door'

SOME OF ASHLEY'S FINAL TWEETS

9:45AM Nov 7th: There is somebody in my dreams
9:46AM Nov 7th: I want them gone
9:47AM Nov 7th: Kinda lonely right now
9:47AM Nov 7th: There was so much more I wanted to do
9:48AM Nov 7th: Ahhh well time to move on
9:48AM Nov 7th:  My thought process is too crazy
9:48AM Nov 7th: I totally think I’m bipolar
9:49AM Nov 7th: Or just crazy
10:21AM Nov 7th: My legs hurt. And my heart was filled with despair
10:21AM Nov 7th: I went to the bathroom and locked the door
10:22AM Nov 7th: I took apart a razor I had just gotten from the store
10:22AM Nov 7th: I did what I had to do to forget.
1:47PM Nov 7th: Well that’s. The story of how I came to be who I am. Well the condensed version. I’d love to hear what you have to say. But I won’t be around
2:08PM Nov 7th: Take two. Hope I get this right

'I took apart a razor. I did what I had to do to forget. I swear after that night I was never the same'

She explained that she had confided in adults about the horrific secret, but nothing happened.

'I remember telling my closest teacher and CPS and the police detectives' she said. 

'I remember having to tell them everything.'

Chief Craig Brady of the Fort Bend County Sheriff's Department told My Fox Houston: 'It's obvious she needed somebody to talk to and that's what I believe those tweets were. 

'She was trying to communicate and trying to get people to talk to her.'

Brady said Ashley had made allegations of abuse a year ago in Williamson County, near Austin.

According to friends the suffering Ashley wanted her death to make a difference even though her life had become insufferable.

Her 144 tweets, which took place over six hours on 7th November and finished a short time before she killed herself through suffocation, seemed to recount sexual abuse at the hands of a family member and other adults.

Ashly Escamilla, her classmate and best friend told the Houston Chronicle: 'This wasn't random. She planned this for a reason. 

'She made a decision that this was what she was going to do to get attention if she was not going to get justice.'

Loss: More than 500 people were following Ashley's account when she wrote her last tweets

Ashly Escamilla said that her friend had craved justice from 'the beginning' of the alleged abuse, when she was aged 14.

She told the Chronicle: 'She said police and CPS acted like it was nothing. She said it was like they did not want to believe her. 

'So, to go on living when someone hurt her, and no one ever did anything about it - wouldn't that drive you insane? To feel ignored by people who were supposed to help you. That was crazy. 

The grieving friend added: 'She had support from me and my boyfriend and her mom, but she did not have justice. 

'She needed to get her point across and to make it known that she was wronged.'

Ashly Escamilla remembers her friend as a fun, but caring person, closer than any sister. 

Ashley Billasano, known as Billy to her friends, had moved to Rosenberg only last year, but the two girls were very quickly, in their own words, like 'peas and carrots.'

The two school girls would sometimes dress up as Batman and Robin to go and get tacos at night.

Soon before her death Billy gave the 'other' Ashly a poignant reminder of their friendship- two glow-in-the-dark stars to attach to the ceiling of her room to see before she went to sleep each night.

Ashley Billasano's mother, Tiffany Ruiz Leskinen, told the Chronicle her daughter told a teacher about the sexual abuse. The school told police but the investigation did not go anywhere, she said.

Leskinen said that the detective told her that she had trouble believing Ashley. She said: 'Here is someone who has been abused and is forced to be silent for so long. 

'Then the one person you go to looking for help says they might not believe you.'

Young: Ashley Billasano, known as Billy to her friends, had moved to Rosenberg only last year

Investigation: Police looking into the abuse told Ashley's mom that they had trouble believing her daughter's story. Ashley is pictured left

Chief Brady said: 'My understanding, that was looked into the sheriff's office there, the D.A'S office and a grand jury. There was no indictment issued.'

On her last day Ashley tweeted 'Weeks passed, then I got the call. They said sorry but there isn't enough evidence I hung up.'

'That's when I changed. I didn't care anymore and the people I was meeting gave me no reason to.'

Police said they didn’t want a lot of detail about her death to be published  to avoid encouraging copy cats, but said it might not be the first time the teen had tried to take her own life.

Brady said: 'Authorities believe this was not the first time she had attempted suicide.  She had learned the method of the internet.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2060099/Ashley-Billasano-18-sent-144-tweets-expressing-pain-killing-herself.html#ixzz1dkWULlCl


Just sharing....

How's my mental health ?

On the last appointment, 21 January...

I did rise my BIG-NO-DISCIPLINE-ISSUE to Dr Kasmini....but she just said it's my problem and ask me to get rid of it immediately...

It's true...and i accepted it as my BIG PROBLEM....and promise to be more discipline in taking the medication....

Because i still have a lot of Lexapro with me, she only gave me the prescription paper.... just in case if my stock have finished,

Doc also advise me to continue on Yasmin....

But I guess from that day until today i only took 1-2 tablets of Lexapro....

And my next appointment is just around the corner (4 March)...

4 weeks of not taking any medication did take effect today.......i experience a throbbing stress headache which i scared i will have a stroke...

Just sharing....

Puasa tahun ini adalah sangat sedih....

Puasa tahun ni adalah sangat sedih bagi ku.....mana nye tak...? setakat pada hari ini takde dalam sehari pon aku pergi masjid buat sembahyang teraweh.....tak macam tahun2 sudah...paling koman pon sehari aku akan ke masjid buat teraweh....pastu solat yang wajib pon ada yang bocor especially time pagi2 tu.......nauzubillah...tak tau la apa nak jadi....tapi puasa tahun ni aku agak down..... struggling my very best to keep my mood up....trying my best untuk kluar dari gelora depresi ni.....

Puasa menyebabkan badan aku keletihan and kekurangan zat.....menyebabkan aku selalu letih dan mengantuk which will add up the depression in me yang telah sekian lama exist....
sistem pencernaan badan pon agak kurang active pada masa ni...so ia menambahkan tekanan dari dalam tubuhku sendiri...iyolah...bahan kumuh yg bertoksid tak dapat dipunggahkan dari pada badan sekerap biasa.... so ia boleh effect mood kejap....

Puasa tahun ni jugak aku selalu rasa dizzy-dizzy....mungkinkah itu hypo atau tekanan darah rendah ? aku pun kurang pasti laa...tak pulak aku pegi doctor tanyakan benda ni....

Lagi satu....aku rindu sangat nak pergi jogging, swimming dan pergi gym.....aku kalau tak buat benda tu memang akan cepat down & otak akan selalu berfikiran negative jer......

Korang jangan ingat pulak aku buat entri ni sebab dah tak sabar2 nak raya eikkk....huhu....persiapan raya aku tak de ape sangat pon....baru beli kuih jer.....baju aku ingat nak recycle last year je...tapi mak aku dah sound suruh beli barang sehelai.....haha.....tapi tak shopping lagi ni...bila la aku nak pi shopping baju raya aku ni....ade sesape nak temankan tak ?


Just sharing....

Bipolar Disorder ?

Or some may refer it as manic depressive disorder (if i'm not mistaken la..)

Do i have it ? I don't know..

but i suspect i'm having it right now...

it's been quite a long while that i think i have it without any concrete diagnose from a psychiatrist..

it has go on about 5 months...

Why i thought so ?

In the morning

i will always felt sad as consequences of my active mind that always thought of sad and worrying things out of almost everything...!!!

even a tiny mini things i'm able to exaggerated until eventually became a sad and depressive thing (sometimes until i cried for real to help me to get rid of my thoughts)...

like today i have a stomachache and felt a little discomfort, starting from that point, my mind started to fear of having stomach internal bleeding similar with my father who have died from organ failure due to internal bleeding that originate from his stomach as effect from his brain tumor ...etc.etc mental illness...family,love etc..etc...being single...etc...etc..and the thoughts goes on and on...like Alice in Wonderland ..u know..

i'm unable to focus on work.... the most is ten minutes...then thinking for 20 minutes..then work again...then thinking again....

because of my work surroundings require most of my time in front pc (and yeahhh....i'm a programmer so i also do my thinking about work in front of pc).....nobody ever notice my problem, they thought i'm in the midst of solving my work related problem...(or may be i'm good at masking my sadness, hiding my feelings and swept away problems ??? Ouh ...and one of my fastest way to escape from my own depressive mind is to talk with my colleagues however work plus bosses prevent me to do so )

in the afternoon

my mind became more stabilize... have more focus on work.... sometimes too much focus until i cant' put my hand down from my keyboard...become more active compared to the morning...more OK and a bit joyful through the night

and lately...

the stressfulness have increase 3-6 piles as i approach next week...i have Mandarin exam, a trip to singapore and krabi (fyi, i have fear of height, flying, sometimes claustrophobia and fear of having panic attack ) and renew road-tax...with all of this i need Xanax badly but i'm unable to get new stocks ... try to called Dr. Kasmini a few times but cannot get her connected... try Dr Barathi but she's no longer at Apollo TTDI... and heyyyy.... we only have 65 psychiatrist in Malaysia..!!

and one more crucial facts i noticed...

if i sleep only 2-3 hours...the whole day i'll be sleepy at office BUT i'm more relax with less thinking and worrisome in comparison with having slept for 6-7 hours....why is that so?

Do i have Bipolar Disorder ? Just wondering or maybe worrying......

And i cried reading this article today, it remind me that i'm one of 'it' :(

Just sharing....

10 Common Myths About Clinical Depression

http://onlinepsychologydegrees.org/10-common-myths-about-clinical-depression/

Almost every mental illness ends up accompanied by a barrage of myths, misunderstandings, and misconceptions that cloud the minds of the populace and ultimately produces muddied opinions of the true threat. Unfortunately, one of the most marginalized and ridiculed conditions is also one of the most common. An estimated 17 million Americans suffer from some form of clinical depression a year, most of whom end up never seeking psychological assistance due to feeling undermined and discouraged by the perceptions of society at large. Because those suffering from depression run a much higher risk of committing suicide or acts of self-mutilation than their comparatively healthier peers, it is absolutely integral to understand the complexities and widespread influence of the disease. Only by making an earnest effort to combat these negative and patently false perceptions can the depressed begin to realize that no shame or weakness lay in their situation, thereby removing many of the stigmas and reservations still undeservedly attached to entering into therapy.

1. Depressives are ingrates who lack empathy for real suffering.

One of the most isolating and unjustly prevailing myths regarding clinical depression is that the victims suffer more from a lack of perception rather than a recognized and very serious mental illness. It is not uncommon to hear the depressed speak of instances where friends, family, or another peer try to snap them out of a low point with admonitions like “Just be grateful you don’t have a terminal disease,” and “Maybe if you saw how people lived in third would countries you’d realize you have nothing to complain about.” These statements actually actively harm those suffering from clinical depression far more than they help. Trivializing their very real and very overwhelming struggles serves only to perpetuate already heightened feelings of guilt, shame, and seclusion. Depression’s true nature does not inherently involve a dismissal or ignorance of suffering elsewhere in society, and the implication that victims do not understand the world around them may potentially discourage them to pursue much-needed solace and support. Many of them are eventually led to believe that their anxieties and emotional issues do not matter when stacked up with genocide and cancer and other ills when the truth is that all suffering – no matter the level of severity – must be addressed and quelled if humanity hopes to move forward.

2. Depression is not an illness.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision lists three depressive disorders – dysthymic disorder, major depressive disorder, and depressive disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS. Major depressive disorder is further subdivided into recurrent and single episode, and from there categorized by level of severity. Along with bipolar disorder, the depressive disorders are lumped under the major heading of mood disorders. Because depression is recognized in an official medical and psychological publication used to diagnose and treat patients, it is considered an illness.

3. Depression is nothing more than sustained sadness.

As a mood disorder, one of the major hallmarks of depression is a persistent sense of sadness, hopelessness, guilt, apathy, and anxiety. However, many physiological symptoms also manifest themselves when suffering from depression. Nausea, headaches, general aches and pains, insomnia or oversleeping, exhaustion, fatigue, and over- or under-eating are all commonly associated with depression. Not surprisingly, these symptoms can lead to major health concerns later on in life if left unchecked. Likewise, more severe instances of depression may result in suicide attempts as a means of finally sloughing off the emotional, mental, and physical torment as well as escaping the judgmental scrutiny of friends, families, and contemporaries.

Source: Wikipedia

4. Depression can disappear by just thinking happy thoughts.

The old cliché about terminal illness states, “I always thought it was something that happened to other people.” This statement also sums up how depressives generally understand sustained happiness – it is an emotion exclusively rewarded to everyone else, but forever teasingly dangled in front of them as a metaphorical carrot on a stick. Only the most severe cases of depression do not involve small spurts and instances of joy, of course, but the illness includes far too many emotional, mental, and physical complexities to merely disintegrate with the simple act of thinking positively. Many mistake depression for a case of the more common and temporary “blues” and attempt to approach it as such. Though well-intentioned, this mindset carries the same inevitable side effects as the one which pegs depressives as whiny ingrates. It only addresses one aspect of a much broader issue, thus reinforcing the victim’s lonely feelings of being misunderstood. The best way for a concerned family member or friend to tackle the subject with a loved one is to provide support by encouraging them to speak with a professional therapist. Counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists are all qualified and equipped with the tools necessary to understand and combat depression. If positivity were the only cure, there would be no need to spend the time, money, and resources to train any of them in how to combat the issue.

5. Depression only affects women.

Due to brain chemistry and hormone balances, women are twice as likely to experience depression as men, though men are more likely to commit suicide or develop substance abuse issues as a coping mechanism. By feminizing depression, society stigmatizes men suffering from the illness as somehow weak or less masculine. As if depression did not carry enough unfounded shame along with it, men with the disorder end up facing double the pressure. With a supposedly enlightened society still clinging to archaic ideals that males ought to display stoicism and women stand as emotional pillars, men with depression oftentimes end up ostracized by peers who do not fully comprehend the true nature of the illness. Externally perceived as effeminate and pathetic, depressive men are far less likely to seek therapy and end up self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, or other addictions to curb the anxiety instead. In more extreme cases, some men turn to physical abuse or suicide as an outlet. While stereotypes of masculine and feminine behavior do have a foundation in biochemistry, labeling emotion as solely the domain of women is the root cause of many serious issues regarding men and depression. Breaking down gender barriers as well as promoting an awareness of how the illness manifests itself remains the only real solution to this overarching problem.

6. Depression is a choice.

Like other mental illnesses, those suffering from depression never chose to live their lives swarmed with the mental, physical, and emotional stresses associated with it. This myth forms from similar stock as the ones regarding depression as an ingrate’s condition and belief that a cure lay in only thinking happy thoughts. All three of these falsehoods vastly oversimplify the issue at hand, reducing depression to little more than whining, sadness, and negativity when the reality of the disease is far more intricate and nuanced. The decision over whether or not to pursue psychological treatment is the only choice that victims can actually make for themselves, but the initial onset of the disorder remains entirely beyond their sphere of control.

7. If a parent or grandparent suffers from depression, their kids will too.

No professionals will deny that both nature and nurture play a role in the development of a depressed individual. Genetics does factor into depression, as does body chemistry, environment, and an individual’s psychological profile. Not surprisingly, depressives with parents or grandparents who suffer from the disease as well are far more likely to succumb to it. However, this is not always the case. A child born into a family with a history of depression may not always end up with it. Likewise, a child born into a family free of depression may end up developing the illness later on. Genetics is only one of the many possible causes of depression – its absence or presence does not always indicate that an individual will inevitably display the symptoms later on in life.

8. Suicide attempts are just a plea for attention.

All suicide threats and attempts ought to be regarded with the utmost seriousness. If an individual makes reference to how he or she plans to die by his or her own hand, dial 911 immediately. Statements such as these are not to be taken as petty ploys for attention, but rather as grim cries for help – a signifier that the victim feels so very desperate to free themselves from the bonds of depression that death seems the only viable option. Callously casting aside the suicidal as merely resorting to extreme measures for the sake of a little attention completely belittles and underestimates the true gravity of the issue. They need intense therapy, not pity or eye-rolling condescension. As symptomatic of a much larger problem, suicide attempts must be fully addressed and taken seriously rather than dismissed as little more than histrionics.

Source: Wikipedia

9. Depression is a psychosis.

Society as a whole seems to regard all mental illnesses as some level of psychosis, with therapy that both saves and improves lives stigmatized as the resort of the feeble-minded and insane. As per its diagnostic criteria, depression is not considered an inherently psychotic disorder. It is labeled as a corruption of moods, but not always a signifier of mental instability or a detachment from reality. While depression does occasionally operate as a symptom of a serious psychotic disorder, its presence does not always mean the victim fits the psychological profile of an individual with psychosis. Depression usually ends at depression. If a sufferer does not display any other indicators of psychosis, then he or she cannot be considered psychotic.

10. Depression is a result of personality flaws and weakness.

Depression is a result of numerous biochemical, genetic, environmental, and psychological factors entirely beyond the control of the victim. This myth ties in with those touting depression as a convenient excuse for whiny ingrates, the histrionic, and psychotics. Many highly functioning, successful individuals suffer from depression and enter into therapy, become active in raising awareness of the issue, and/or create works of art, literature, and music in order to alleviate the pain. It weakens, but self-control prevents it from becoming a weakness. Like addiction and other mental illnesses, the surest sign of strength and integrity is admitting that there is a problem and actively pursuing healthy treatment. Weakness lay not at all in the diagnosis, but rather in how the victim handles the issues he or she has been given.

Source: Wikipedia

In spite of existing as one of the most common mental illnesses in America and beyond, the reality of just how serious clinical depression is remains obscured by the dozens of myths, misunderstandings, and lies permeating society. Spreading the word of the true challenges, setbacks, and struggles that depressives face on a daily basis is the only way to put cracks in these potentially dangerous mindsets. Like all people – mentally ill or not – victims of depression need compassion and understanding if they ever hope to combat their disease. The perpetuation of ignorance and misunderstanding only furthers their symptoms and nurtures shame and guilt far more than it inspires them to seek professional help.

When my mind become out of control, emotions went high and touch of reality fade away.....

I can't believe it ! I can blog from my office..?!! Ouh...Still taking some time to admit the fact that i can send my blog entri via my workplace..... Wow... am i happy..? Of course ! So now if i'm fasting or not going out during lunch instead of sleeping on my desk, i can go blogging... It's unbelievable actually knowing that our IT personnel didn't block this page because there are numbers of websites that are being block by them.... all email websites, facebook, friendster...and the list goes on......

As now i'm entering our office luchtime whilst fasting... i can spend my time to write today's entry.... and here it goes.....

Bismillahirahmanirahim...

When my mind become out of control, my emotions went high and my touch to reality fade away..... that's the feelings when the episode of mental breakdown occured to me. During episodes of panic attacks, anxiety went out of control, emotion going roller coaster and depression makes the big hit to the rock bottom. Sometimes (read: not all the time) when this scary moment happen in the office or anywhere else where i can't find somebody i trust to find comfort by expressing my inner feelings (read: in reality, it is difficult to find that somebody who understand what i'm going through during the episodes)....i will reach out for any medium that enable me to write my inner feelings ...and my easiest medium to reach out is my beloved handphone.

Here are some of my expression during my mental breakdown episodes that i've saved in my handphone, yeah i didn't delete the drafts.... just for future reference... and there's one i wrote using Microsoft Words in my office (obviously i forgot to bring my handphone on that day )

1. Date : 17 March 2009, Location: Office, Medium : Microsoft Words
'This is a story of me… on 17 March 2009…. A person who has generalized anxiety disorder, for about 8 year plus since first diagnosis… who has hormone imbalance which only can make me menstruate if I take hormone pills…. A person who sometimes suffers from depression in 1 hour and can be very happy 1 hour after that….. A person who had experience depression in her early life as a career woman and had the first panic attack when she finally becomes somebody’s girlfriend at the age of 21. And now on 17 March 2009 … the feeling of tense overwhelmed me thinking of…. Is there a good guy out there destined for me…? Who love me as I am...? I wrote this after a friend of me tell me about her problem… recently she become close to her ex-fiancée and wondering why suddenly this guy hitting on her again…. Then she kept receiving message from a girl… who claimed that she is getting married with her ex-fiancée on April!! I pity this poor lady because she is getting married with a guy who is still thinking of his ex-fiancée and not so sure about his feeling marrying her…. And I pity my friend because getting false hope from his ex-fiancée…. Why are guys always hurting girls feeling with his immature way of thinking and uncertainties? '

2. Date : 28 September 2009, Location : Office , Medium : My Handphone
'I need help badly ! I need to forget about something.. Everything bad that happened to my life in this year, I'm already exhausted keeping it to myself and i want out immediately! My office environment keeps the memories i want to forget or maybe the work environment that was not up to beat for me that make my mind have plenty of time think unthoughful thoughts and makes me remind of these bad feelings... Or maybe i'm just like this? Or I’m just too worried that my life turns out not as i expected how it should be like many of us here on earth ? '

3. Date : 18 September 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I really need help ! i think my mental health is in problem so the effect of this mental things makes me tired physically.... i need urgent attention....urgent rectification....How do i make it go away ? Me, myself need always to think positive. There are help and cure for any ailments'

4. Date : 22 May 2009, Location : Office, Medium : My Handphone
'I don't want to eat Xanax but lately my condition is getting worst and worst ... i need help badly before i get burnout....Tekanan perasaan yang sungguh hebat ujian daripada Tuhan ke atas diriku... penyakit mental menyebabkan diriku mudah depress, panik dan fobia...sekarang ni takut pengsan je....jangan takut.... i'll be fine.... Allah ada.'

Wow.... when i read it back.... feel like i'm in total madness....... however i did survive through all the episodes.....I just need to be strong...... Thank You Allah for giving me strength..

Healing my life

Assalamualaikum.... it's been a while I left this blog without any update...this week is a very tiring week for me...not physically but mentally....
There's some issues between me and a good friend of mine...I don't know what exactly causes this thing to happened.... maybe this issue only exist in my retarded mind, I’m unable to express anything plus I don’t want to make things worst….but what I know I feel angry, shame, dishonor, self-pity, left behind, cheated….all sort of negative feelings surrounded me…. I can’t even focus with my work…. What I’ve noticed throughout this week is… In the morning…. My mind can’t concentrate on my assignment…it kept reminisce the issues I had with this friend…it just can stop coming into my mind…. The feeling was surreal makes me shed tears in front of my pc….anything that can remind me of him, even small thing will frenzied my mind. My gloomy work environment makes the problem worst…So on Tuesday… I took medical leave and when to see doctor… as expected the doctor said ‘You’re depressed..!’ and prescribed me Sonar5 Tab 5mg for 1 week….a mild relaxant…..milder than xanax…. however if problem persist he will refer me to psychiatrist or prescribe me antidepressant…
I’ve always have problem swallowing capsules…so until today I did not take the prescribed meds….and things getting worst @ the office…feels like my mind going crazy and emotional going wild….when this happened I try to focus on something else such as deep breathing, reciting Quran, focus my mind on positive things and short meditation…it helps for a while though..

A Little bit of ThiS & tHat .... and taDaaaa..!

Bismillahirahmanirahim.....

Ketupat ..check...rendang..check.......kuah kacang check....kuah lodeh... mmm tomorrow morning there's enough time to prepare.. cookies... check...duit raya ...check... So far my Hari Raya Aidilfitri (Eid Mubarak) preparation seems to be as planned. Yeay..!. Me and my family will be heading to Negeri Sembilan and Johor this morning to visit beloved Atok, aunties, uncles and cousins...being with them is always the thing that i am happily looking forward to do...however, the sad part is, this is first Aidilfitri without the man of my life. I miss him dearly since he passed away... Al-fatihah...may his soul be blessed by the Almighty.

Enough about Hari Raya... Lets focus on this blog's main agenda... and today i would like tell a little bit about me and my generalized anxiety disorder.

My personality before i was diagnozed: I have low self esteem... a quiet person, always keep to my self, less feelings, slow reaction, not to forget sleeping is my favourite past time, procrastination and can easily became very anxious in situation that i don't like to be involve in... such as presentation, interview, being around guys as i will feel uncomfortable, high place like inside cable car and the list goes on...

but my anxieties are always under control and bearable....

UNTIL... on one fine day that i've experienced difficulties in breathing, extreme fear and confusion, feelings that i'm gonna die, rapid heartbeat and shaking profusely... yeah this it's what we call panic attacks ! and this first episode of my panic attacks at the age of 21 triggers the beginning of my session with psychiatrist.

My biological contribution factor: Firstly I have PCOS (Please Google it yourself for details if you really want to know what it is... there's not enough room for me the explain the details about pcos..) and hormon imbalance which makes me easily feeling stress (This fact i obtained through my readings... ). Secondly, my psychiatrist told me that anxiety disorder can run in family... and that's true because my mother did have the same problem but not as bad as mine...but luckily my sister didn't have it, she's totally opposite of me, so i created my own theory on how did i inherited this ailment but not my sister.. its because i'm the first child, thus my mother's anxiety level during pregnancy is greater...

During a session with my psychiatrist, she had explained people that suffering from anxiety disorder and depression have brain chemical imbalance called serotonin as well as other substances that my ears failed to catch the medical terms or the words she's telling me and i don't even know how to pronounce it (so please fogive me ) , therefore i've dedicated this link for more information : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generalized_anxiety_disorder

Welcoming me to the blog world - the purpose, the reason & the responsibility

Assalamualaikum.... Alhamdulillah...This is my first entri into the blog world.... i've always enjoy reading blog...it is one of my favourite past time no matter where and when even during office hour..haha...sorry boss. I found it very informative, well it depends on the topic that interest me though...So i thought why not me having my own blog... ?? What had stopped me initially is because..i dont think i have writing skill..mm well u can judge it by reading this entry..i'm not well articulate person..but i like to improve my writing skill especially in English language ...
In this blog too, i would like to share my experience as a person who has generalized anxiety disorder & easily depressed.... or generally known as mental ailments...mmmm what's that ? well ... wait and read further (that's mean u need to come again to my blog)...actually i've always wanted to find a support group in my country for this disorder besides my psychiatrist of course... but end up futile....the term of this disorder is not common in Malaysia (i guess)... people usually refer it as 'buatan orang' or 'hilang semangat' or 'gila' (the worst description of all) or whatever it is called....and to date i've been suffering from it for about 8-9 years on and off.....so i hope by creating this blog i can share some information about it (eventhough only little information... i think better than none) . But this blog is not entirely dedicated to my experience having this disorder...intermittently i may share something different & what i think interesting to be shared.